


Who Talks First?

by NeoSoul



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Eating Disorders, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Mental Health Issues, Redemption, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-02-25 19:26:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 28,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13219590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeoSoul/pseuds/NeoSoul
Summary: Rey senses something's wrong with Kylo, and it all slowly unfolds in front of her.  She realizes what he's doing, how thin he's become, and how much he's destroyed himself.  He knows he can't stay with the First Order, as it'd only kill him if he does, but neither knows what to do, and in their attempts and worries, they've fallen for each other.





	1. Chapter 1

Kylo looked towards the stars that were brightly shining through the window. The events of the prior connection had left him shaken. What was happening? Why did it all happen? The bond, it was timed terribly, as his wound was being stitched. He had shown weakness in front of her, which he had been told he must never do. The girl, Rey, seemed so adamant of the light in him. He wasn't as keen as she was. He didn't have this vision of light, he felt himself irredeemable rather. He’d done so many horrible things to the people he loved, and now, she loved. He didn't believe he would have enough light to pull himself back, no matter how much he wanted to. The girl was his reason for it. He didn't want to admit it, but he loved her. She seemed to care about how he felt, she wasn’t just there for information or for his power. She cared about him, something he hadn’t felt since before the incident with Luke. His heart had growing feelings for her. He wasn't as keen about himself as he was for her. He hated himself, but it was more than just exterior. The emotional pain it caused him to deal with how his life was being led, it hurt him. He wanted so terribly to be his own person again, free from this all. He wanted the light and the dark to end, just to be seen in grey. He knew it wouldn’t happen, Snoke didn’t want it to, Luke still saw the light as the answer, there was no gray area, which would make it all go away. No one seemed to care about his wellbeing at all, just his power. He was just a tool for Snoke and Hux, a puppet, tied to a string.  
The girl on the other hand, well she seemed to care. She was the one he wanted. She protected him, cared about how he felt, at least that’s how she rubbed off on him during their few encounters through the bond. She had this spark about her, something he felt so closely about himself, yet his seemed to have died out years ago, after well, the incident. Maybe she loved him, maybe she didn’t, but he loved her. He wasn’t sure that she knew how to love, the desert of Jakku wasn’t a great place to learn about love, but neither was his dark room on the Supremacy. He felt so lost, he wanted away from it all, to just lead a normal life, but he knew that could never happen anymore, his face, his name, they were too well known, he’d be gunned down in an instant.   
Emotionally, he was a wreck. He could barely sleep anymore from both hope that he’d maybe get to talk with her, or just of his own thoughts. They weren’t pretty thoughts, no, he feared himself whenever his mind had the time to wander. It found itself in the most self-destructive places. These thoughts, the actions that accompanied the thoughts, they stayed silent, only to himself. He feared what would happen if others found out about them, especially Snoke or Hux. He’d just be slaughtered if they knew. He feared she would stop connecting with him if she knew about how he seemed to cope with himself. It wasn't pretty, but neither was he so he justified them that way. He hated what he did, it hurt him, and he knew it could kill him if he kept it up long enough. He knows he’s smarter than it all, but it seems he’s addicted to the pain they cause. His heart didn’t work like it should, sometimes it’d beat slow, sometimes too fast, but never in perfect rhythm. He could never tell if that was because of his habits or just what happens on a day to day basis. His body didn’t work like it should, not anymore, and he knows it’s all his own doing, his own fault. He hides it all, even if his body is in pain, he hides it. He's ashamed of what he does, he’s afraid of himself when he does it. The secret has been hidden for years, and it's beginning to become harder to hide much longer. His body is taking the toll that his habits cause. The damage is becoming more and more prominent on his body. Physical and mental. He rarely de-robed, as it would show everything. The marks he left, his knuckles, the bruises, the bones. He wasn't functioning like he should, he’d fall dizzy or ill. He was pale, ghostly almost. His body barely felt like his own.   
Rey was still on the island. She didn't know what she expected. She was hoping she'd have learned a lot from Luke by now, but he still seemed to refuse to teach her. Her expectations seemed so far off of reality. She thought she'd become some sort of Jedi master, just like Luke before her. Sh didn't expect him to toss it all aside, shut himself off in isolation. She never expected that in the time of being here, she'd all of a sudden be bonded with Kylo Ren through the force. It was something so unexpected and it scared her quite a bit. What was he planning? She would never know, yet the first encounter was something so different from what she thought it was. He didn't seem menacing, he was calm, vulnerable even. Something that she'd never seen from him. This side, vulnerability. It was as if he was still human, at least part of him. She felt an odd attachment to him, something she’d never felt before. What it was, well she didn’t know. Was it just the odd feeling that he was still Ben Solo, maybe the light was stronger than she thought. Maybe he was manipulating her, but that seemed hardly the case. He was as confused as she was as to how the force connected the two. Maybe he was torn and felt that she was the one who’d turn him. Her thoughts were scattered. She wanted to tell Luke, but she knew that would just end badly. She thought it would all go differently than how it was. Her heart had feelings for Kylo, whom she hoped would just let himself be called Ben, she felt it. Her emotions were both that of disgust and forgiveness. He wasn’t heartless, and she could feel it.   
She could sense something in Kylo, something wrong. It was apparent to her that he was struggling with himself. She didn’t know if it worried her, on one hand she wanted to not care, he was on the opposing side, yet she also felt there was something in him, the light, the ability to be that spark that burns the First Order down, she felt remorse for him, and something else. She didn’t know what it was, but it was something far greater than she ever imagined, or even fathomed in her life. She cared for him far more than she ever thought she could. The sense that he was destroying himself become more and more concerning the more she thought about it. She couldn’t figure out how he was doing it, she just felt the pain sometimes when he did, a slight sting on her upper arm or thigh sometimes, a weird pain in her stomach ever so rarely. She couldn’t figure out what any of it meant, but it hurt her to know that he hurt. She wished she could help him, but was hesitant to do so, as she knew it could all be a trap to kill her or figure out what she was hiding, where Luke was or all three. She knew she had to be weary of what she told him, yet she wanted to be honest. She looked for signs of lying in his face and actions, yet found none whenever they spoke. She began to wonder if she could trust him, if he was being fully truthful, and he was as torn as he seemed, as lost as she was. Her shoulder began to sting slightly in numerous places, and she looked down, wondering if something bit her, but nothing was there, her skin was solid. She wondered what it could’ve been, but shook it off.   
Kylo used a towel to dab at the wounds he had created in his shoulder. They weren’t deep at all, but there were quite a few. He grabbed some bandages and wrapped them up, hoping the wounds wouldn’t bleed through. His shoulder stung, but it wasn’t an unusual feeling. He was used to it by now. He pulled his robes on over his body. They didn’t seem to fit him properly. They weren’t massive on him, but some parts needed adjusting. His belt needed to be tightened so that his pants would stay on his torso. He ran his hand through his hair, hoping pieces wouldn’t fall, but a few fell to the ground and into his hands. He flicked his fingers, causing the hairs to fall to his feet. He sighed and put his glove back onto his hand. His fingertips were cold, he presumed it was from the lack of blood flow to them. He flicked them a few times to get some warmth to the area, as cold fingers weren’t amazing for force-choking those who got in his way, or slamming Hux into a wall, which seemed to be a daily occurence. His fingers did feel some more warmth after some time. He walked back over to where his bed lay and looked down. He felt something touch his shoulder, where the wounds were, but nothing was there. Tears began to fall down his cheek. He placed his hand where the bandage was wrapped under his robes and rubbed his fingers along the length of the wounds.  
“Rey.” He whispered. His face now wet with tears.  
Rey felt his touch on her shoulder, and then she heard him speak her name. She looked up to the night sky.  
“Ben.” She called out, hoping she’d hear a response.


	2. Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Force bantering and more

Kylo’s eyes stay on the floor as he walks toward the bridge. His shoulder had stopped stinging, but he still felt the now scabbing wounds against the fabric. He ignores the feeling as he does many times before. The pain was nothing more than cat scratches to him now, no matter how deep the wound may have been. The sounds that you usually hear by the bridge were all there. The way the cannons fired on the Resistance. Kylo hated the bridge. It reminded him of where he was. He was the enemy, and he didn’t want it this way. He never did, it all just happened that way, and he had no control over how his life had run. It all just fed into the pain. It made it worse, it made him worse. He began to doubt if he could handle himself on the bridge, watching those who fought alongside Rey die, he couldn’t do it. He snuck back out of sight and into the hall. His heart was doing one of its’ fast then slow rhythms. He didn’t know why it’d do this, but it happened at random times it seemed, and it made his chest feel off, as if his heart was skipping beats. He ignored it, hoping it was probably just from stress and not sleeping well. He found his way back to his chamber, hoping he'd find his peace again. He made his way to his bed and sat down, his heartbeat was slowing down again, and his chest stopped aching. He felt the feeling that began when he first connected with Rey in the medical bay, so he prepared himself for another interaction.   
“How did you?” He asked, curiously. Rey faced toward him.   
“I didn't.” She said, almost offended that he would assume she created the connection.   
“Well then how does it decide when we connect?” He asked. Confused. Rey tries to avoid his eyes, he didn't know if it was out of spite or something else.   
“I'd really not want to know, maybe it'll shut off if we ignore it.” She said. Her words were cold, and they seemed to sting him.  
“Why’re you so keen on shutting it off?” He asked, hoping she didn’t just hate him as much as it seemed.   
“I don't want to see you, you...snake, especially not through the force.” She said, her voice full of disgust, aimed towards him. He looked towards the ground.   
“You've got such a strong will. It's impressive.” He told her. She seemed to be squinting at something, but the surroundings weren't something he could see.   
“You’re just a monster.” She said, her voice still full of spite.   
“So you've told me.” He said, calmly. The connection stopped and he was on his own again. He sat on his bed for a while, hoping he'd find enough of himself to continue with his tasks. The words of Rey resonated in his mind. He got up from his bed and walked across to the fresher. His heart was still beating in that weird way. She was right. He was a monster, he’s become one at least. He took his gloves off, exposing his bruised knuckles, scarred and rough. They weren't something he liked to look at. Memories and thoughts of what he does and used to do plagued the sight of them. He shuddered, knowing he'd probably do it again. He walked to the mirror and looked into it, staring his own eyes down. They were sunken, but he expected that with the lack of sleep. His face was paler than it used to be. He knew he had always been pale, but it seemed worse than it used to be in the past few weeks. The light in his fresher wasn’t strong. It created a dull atmosphere, which didn’t help with his overall mood. He turned on the sink and splashed water on his face, hoping it’d wake him up just a little bit. He was tired, far too tired to keep doing what he did. How he kept himself alive through all this was a mystery to him. He never thought he’d make it as far as he did. His eyes began to wander towards his surroundings. There was a towel by the sink, it was gray, just like everything else in the room. The toilet behind him was the same shade. It all just blended into itself, which just made the room seem darker.   
Rey was wandering on the island again. She was bitter over the fact that she has a bond with Kylo, out of everyone she could’ve been bonded with, it had to be him; yet she didn’t hate him as much as she initially thought. There was something about him. She didn’t know what, but she couldn’t really hate him. He was in a place, in his mind, that was vulnerable. Something was wrong, something to do with all the pains, but she couldn’t tell what.  
She walked towards the falcon, hoping to be alone for a while. She wanted to collect her thoughts again, especially after the events of the last connection. The sky had darkened now, the sun was gone, only the moon and the stars illuminated the island. She began to sense the presence of a being again. It wasn't Luke, she knew that. He was already asleep.   
“Murderous snake.” She hissed to Kylo. He was just standing, observing, but she didn't know what he was observing. She just saw his back. She had questions.  
“Why did you do it?” She asked. Her anger more apparent. She wanted answers.   
So you know what had happened that one night?” He asked, then looked closer at her. She knew, well, what Luke had told her. “Ah, you do.” He said. His voice calmer than she would expect.  
“You have that look, the same one from the forest, when you called me a monster.” He observed. She was taken aback by his observation skills. How did he know her eyes better than she did? Surely he didn't care about her as much as it seemed.  
“You are a monster.” She said. Her voice strong, clear. He looked down. His expression dropped.   
“Yes. I am.” He said. His eyes fell, she wasn't sure if it was because of her, or something else. The connection had ended before she could get much else of his expression. She sat there. Her mind was racing, why was he so calm? Didn't he hate her? Why were the two connected?  
Kylo turned back to where he was before. He opened his hand and observed the water that had collected in his palm. He continues to stand by the landing bay, he wasn't sure why he was standing there, but he had nothing else to do. His hands were shaking slightly. It bothered him, especially since he had no control over it. He turned from the window and walked back through the hallways. His mind was racing with thoughts that he couldn't decipher. She didn't like him nor did she find anything in him. The two seemed such polar opposites. Maybe she was right, maybe he was a monster. He began to walk back to his chambers for a third time that day. He let the door close and then walked back into his fresher. He pulled the glove off of the bruised hand. He never liked doing this, he only used it when everything else felt far out of his control. It hurt, a lot, and it left him hungry, yet with no appetite at all. He looked over at the toilet and pulled the seat up. His hands were shaking harder. Sometimes he'd be able to do it without his hands, but not always. That's where the bruises came from. He bent over the toilet and pushed his hands on his stomach, hoping it'd work.   
Rey wandered back to the huts. Her mind was still on the earlier connection. She was hit with a wave of nausea, completely unexpected. She stopped for a second and made sure it passed before continuing towards the huts. It was unexplained, she could only attest it to either stress or the force bond. Stress was unlikely, she rarely folded under it, but the force bond? She could believe it. He was always pushed and pulled by Snoke, and no restfrom the damage that did. Her body was soaked in rain now, so she wandered into the empty hut she seemed to begin to call home. There was a pain that sharply hit her side, it was sudden, unexpected. She couldn't tell if it was a sting or an ache. It hurt for the few seconds it was there, then it felt fine. She was confused as to where it came from.  
Kylo pulled himself back up from the floor. The nausea that happened after it had passed. He had no need for his knuckles this time, it came up with ease. He turned toward the sink and washed his mouth from the sour taste. His stomach burned again, he knew it was either from acid or pressure. He ignored it, hoping it'd go away. It never did, he'd been doing this for years, and it only got worse. He wanted it to stop, but he knew he wasn’t strong enough to let it go. The pain from what he did was something comforting to him now, no matter how destructive it was.   
The time passed, he couldn’t sleep again, but that was expected. He had barely seen sleep in a long time, he wasn’t sure how he was able to function. He felt alone, the dark halls were empty, only the occasional trooper on their nightshift. He took the turns he knew would be empty, hoping he’d find the connection, maybe, just maybe it would happen if he was alone.   
“The third time in a day?” Rey quickly said to him, clearly annoyed. His eyes perked up from the ground at the sound of her voice.  
“How does it happen?” He asked. He had a theory about it, but nothing he could confirm. He knew it was either that the connection comes from loneliness or if one thought of the other, usually it was him thinking of her.   
“I don’t know, but I wish it was far less frequent.” She told him, that same spite still in her voice.   
“Are you alone?” He asked, hoping to eliminate a theory of the two.  
“Yes, but why must you know?” She asked. He pulled into a hidden corner and sat on the floor.  
“Just curious.” He said. His thumb was in his other sleeve, running his thumb over the raised scars. It was a nervous habit he had, a bad one for sure, it could give it away to those who shouldn’t know.  
“Shouldn’t you be asleep?” She asked, all of a sudden. He was shocked by the change of tone from annoyance to what seemed was care. A caring for his wellbeing.   
“Couldn't,” He said. “What about you?” He asked.   
“It's too loud here.” She explained.   
“Ren? Are you ok?” He looked up to see a trooper. He quickly stumbled to his feet, breaking the connection.   
“Yes, go back to your post.” He said. The trooper left, which left him to his thoughts, alone. A dangerous combination.


	3. Some Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More force-banter, some hand holding

Kylo awoke from the first few hours of sleep he had managed to get in the past few days, yet he felt far from rested. If anything, he felt worse than before. The connections became more frequent, Rey had learned the truth about Luke, what he did and why Kylo did what he did. She seemed to have warmed up to him, her words were far less harsh. He hoped it would stay this way, that she’d be ok with him, maybe she’d see something in him, like he does to her. His vision blurred slightly as he stood up from the wall by his bed. He forgot for a few seconds why he was there, but then he remembered that he had been too tired to actually get into the small bed in his chamber, so he just fell to the floor and slept instead. His spine hurt from the wall he had leaned against, but it was miniscule pain compared to what he was used to. He found his footing and pulled his robes off to check the wounds on his shoulder. leaving only a bandage around his waist and his pants. He remembered a few days ago, when the two had connected while he was half de-robed. It didn’t seem she noticed anything was off about him, she was more flustered if anything. It caught her off guard from the real state of his body, the wounds, his ghostly skin, the things he wants no one to see. He pulled the bandage off of the wounds, hoping they’d be at least scabbed by now. He watched the stained bandage fall to the floor, then turned his head to look at his shoulder. The wounds have indeed scabbed, they weren’t pretty, the healing was ugly, rough around the edges. He knew they wouldn’t scar closed. He ran his fingers over them and then decided not to cover them again, it took too much of his effort. He began to put his robes back on, but was disrupted with another connection, he sighed.  
“Didn’t we just do this?” Rey asked, seemingly annoyed that he was half dressed again. He pulled his tunic on again, panicked that she'd see the scars.   
“Seems we do this far too often.” He observed. Her eyes honed in on his shoulder for the few seconds that it was in sight, she was curious to what the marks were, but they were gone before she could say anything.  
“But neither knows why it happens?” Rey asked. He nodded. He pulled the gloves over his hands.   
“Seems to happen at the worst times.” He observed, as he’d been half clothed the past few times they’ve connected.   
“Is it true, what you said about Luke?” She asked, changing the conversation suddenly.  
“Yes.” He said, his response short to make himself seem clear.   
“I never would’ve thought…” She said. Her voice clearly shocked.  
“No one would’ve expected it, not even I did.” He explained, his voice cracked slightly, partly from remembering everything as well as from the acid that tended to rise in his throat and eat at it.   
“Ben?” She asked, suddenly, it caused his face to perk up, hearing her say his name, the name he was given before it all had happened, the name he felt he no longer deserved.  
“Yes?” He asked.   
“You don’t look well.” She observed, he wasn’t sure where it came from. He looked down, hoping to brush the comment aside.  
“Now you’re worried? You called me a monster just a while ago.” He told her. She looked down, flustered it seemed.   
“I’m sorry, am I supposed to let you stay in such a state?” She asked. He shrugged.  
“I’m perfectly fine, you’re worrying for no reason.” He stated, hoping to drop the conversation the two were having. The connection quickly ended and he got up from where he sat, then his knees buckled and he was back on the floor, his heart beat in that weird way again, the one with no rhythm, fast then slow, then fast. He pulled himself up again, hoping no one saw the fall.  
Rey was sitting on a grassy cliff during the call, the sun was setting now, which fell in perfect shadows on the island. Her thoughts were scattered with those of Luke as well as Kylo, whom she began to call Ben more and more, not even with second thoughts. Her perspective on him had changed, she couldn’t hate him, not after everything he’s told her. He was split, and if there was any chance of redemption, she would be the one to spark the turn. She knew her thoughts were turning, her feelings as well, she felt a connection with him, he was something to her that she could not explain. She knew she’d figure it out eventually, so she left the thoughts to brew in her mind as she walked back to her hut, as the sun was setting now. She wanted to ask Luke about what he did, maybe he had a better explanation. The two sides seemed very different. Kylo told one, Luke another, and something didn’t add up. The truth was not being told, and that’s all she wanted was truth. She wanted truths of her own. Who were her parents? Why did they leave her? Who created Kylo Ren? She wanted the answers, yet no one could give them to her, they all just bounced around the truth. Now she had another, and it was about him. She wondered what was going on there, why he looked so ill. His skin was ghostly pale, his eyes looked as if he hadn’t slept in days. She didn’t want to admit it, but she was worried about him, dearly. Those marks on his shoulder that she observed, they were exactly where she felt the sharp pains those days before, she knew they were connected somehow, but the answer was something that she’d have to ask, and she didn’t want to ask more than she already does.   
Kylo walks out to the bridge, this time hoping he’d be able to face it, knowing he needed to communicate with Hux, just so Hux would know that he was still alive. He took a deep breath, his heart doing that same thing that it tended to do quite a bit. He walked back up to the bridge, where he stood alongside Hux for a while, hoping to regain some trust, as it had fallen through after he destroyed the two tie-fighters who presumably had blown up the bridge where his mother was. He wasn’t sure if she was dead, he hoped she wasn’t, so that he still had a chance to go home, to see her. He walked back from the bridge, his heart had sunk watching everything be obliterated, while everything else falls to. He walked back to his chamber, where he spent far too much time now, and sat against a wall, hoping to regain his thoughts and footing, then he heard a voice, the one he knew as Rey, she seemed scared, confused, and he wanted to know why. Her body was dripping with water.  
“Where’d you swim out of?” He asked. She was creating a fire, probably to help her dry herself off. She looked over at him, her eyes had hints of fear, confusion, and annoyance.  
“Where’d you come from.” She asked. He shrugged.  
“The force, as always.” He said, and she wrapped a blanket around her body in another attempt to keep herself warm.  
“Were you really wanting to know my whereabouts?” She asked. He nodded, hoping to have a civil conversation with her.  
“Yes.” He said, so she began explaining about a cave in the island, with vines all over the outside. She began talking about mirrors that would supposedly lead to the answers about her parents. She talked about the disappointment when she realized it was only herself in the reflection, and the answers remained hidden.  
“I’d never felt so alone.” She told him, opening up. He was surprised how fast she began to open up, yet he could never do the same. He was far too ashamed.  
“You’re not alone.” He reassured her. She looked down. Her hands were shaking as she reached one out. He began to slide his glove off of the bruised up hand, the one where all the knuckles were scarred and purple. The two ever so slightly began to inch their hands towards each other, he didn’t know why he was doing it, but he let it happen. The two touched and his heart, he swore it skipped more than just a beat. He looked at Rey, who had the same expression on her face before one of fear came over her as Luke had found her, so the connection ended and he pulled himself from the wall. His legs were still heavy, yet he didn’t know from what, and he knew they had gotten worse. His stomach began to hurt, this time from the fact that he hadn’t eaten since the First Order had gotten the Resistance in their hands and began barraging them with open fire. He wasn’t doing it intentionally, it just stressed him out far too much. He knew Rey would catch on eventually, but he didn’t seem to oppose the idea, as if he wanted her to find out, maybe he’d find a reason to stop.


	4. Divided

Kylo pulled himself up. He had a weird feeling that Rey was on the Supremacy. He didn’t know why, but he knew she’d be dead in seconds if he wasn’t the one to find her. He walked into his fresher and tried to make himself look less like hell and more like himself, then he began to walk towards the loading dock. His heart was beating fast, as if he was nervous, but of what, he didn’t know. He walked towards the small ship that had snuck in through the hangar. He loomed over the small hole, looking her straight into the eyes. She had a spark of hope for a few moments, until she saw the troopers behind him. He pulled her out of the pod and into the handcuffs, then led her to the elevator, both of them in silence. It was in the elevator that she spoke.  
“You don’t have to do this,” She said, her voice was strong, yet shaken. He looked over. Half dazed from everything that had happened in the short time, he had the girl with him. She was far more beautiful to him in person than through the force, and he felt his own face. The scarred, gaunt, pale face of his, which wasn’t pleasing to look at, he’d even admit that he was conscious about it, especially now that she had seen it up close.  
“Ben,” She said, and he looked up, his eyes turned towards her and she moves closer to him. “I saw it, when we touched hands, I saw your future, it was clear, you’ll turn.” She said. He shook his head, he was too invested with all this, he was under the grasp of Snoke, and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to get out of the grasp.  
“I saw it to, when the time comes you’ll be the one to turn.” He says, and the elevator opens. He puts his hand on the small of her back and they walk to the middle of the throne room. He could feel the nervous energy from Rey, it bounced from her to him.  
“Young Rey.” He heard Snoke say when he saw the two. He stood back, wondering how it’d go, he tuned the words of Snoke out. He didn’t want to hear Snoke, as all the words did was just remind him of everything that he did to him. He just watched Rey, her defiance was attractive to him. He looked down, trying to ignore the voices in the room, until he heard yelling, which was from Rey. He began to look for ways to get her down, until Snoke pulled her towards him. He began to turn her, and Kylo knew what was happening, he wanted him to kill her. Kylo knew what had to happen, but how to do it, he’d have to see, he began to turn the saber by Snoke until the blade was in perpendicular to him.   
“Now, fulfill your destiny.” Snoke said, so Kylo ignited the blade to destroy him, then pulled it near Rey. Her face was shocked, open, he wanted to kiss her, badly. He didn’t know why, but it was a bad time, as the guards are now ready to destroy them. He stood beside Rey, his brain foggy, his body hurt. He wasn’t sure if he would survive the fight. The adrenaline seemed to rush now, his movements were lighter as he began to fight the guards coming at him. He felt Rey grab onto his thigh, which caused some of the scabbing cuts to sting, but he gave her leverage to knock some guards over with a swift kick. His body tired quickly during the fight, and it ended in him losing his saber and falling into the grasp of a guard. He looked towards Rey, his eyes begging to her for help. She was in a lock as well, but found a quick way to get out, destroy the guards around her and throw her saber to him so he could finish the last one off. He ignited it, burnt a hole into the head of the guard and let it fall to the floor. He watched Rey run with haste to where she could see the Resistance being destroyed. He wanted something else, he couldn’t go back, they didn’t want him back, he wasn’t meant to be there. He wanted Rey to be with him.  
“There’s not much left.” He walked towards her, tears forming in his eyes.  
“Rey, I want you to join me” He said and stretched his hand out. She shook her head.  
“Don’t do this Ben.” She said, her own eyes began to shed tears. He looked at her, his eyes full of desperation, he needed her, his body was failing on its’ own. He shed his own tears.  
“You’re still holding on, let go.” He said, his desperation became more prevalent.   
“Ben…” She said. He held his hand out again for her, hoping she'd take it.   
“Do you want to know the truth?” He asked. Rey looked up.  
“They were nobody.” Rey confessed.   
“Filthy junk traders.” He told her, then he reached out to her.   
“Join me,”. He pleaded. “Please.” Rey looked towards him, angry, confused. She didn't know what to do. He was in pain now, both mentally and physically. His legs were about to give out, his head hurt. Rey's palm began to reach towards him, he was ready to take her hand, to finally let himself free of his past, but all he saw was the lightsaber she owned float up, so he pulled it back. It took his energy, all of it, and all it did was break, throwing both Rey and him to the ground. He lost all consciousness when he hit the floor.   
Rey got up from the floor. She saw Kylo's saber had fallen close to him, and she picked it up. She could kill him, end the war, but she couldn't. Not at all, he was fragile, he'd already had people pull the “almost kill him” card. She couldn't, there was something about him that she couldn't let go. He was hurting and she knew it. She couldn't let him go, but right now wasn't the time to dwell. She found her way off through an escape pod and got herself back on the Millennium Falcon. Her mind was all over again. She trusted him, she thought he'd turn, yet he just wanted power it seemed. She cursed herself for trusting him as much as she did.   
Kylo snapped awake with the feeling that someone was about to kill him again. He quickly stood up and was surprised with the sight of Hux standing there.  
“What happened?” He asked, his voice was cold. Kylo stumbled. He realized the effects of his not eating for two days had caught up to him. He looked at Hux, not knowing how to explain.   
“The girl killed Snoke.” Kylo lied, hoping he'd be able to spare his life.   
“She's escaped on one of Snoke’s escape pods.” Hux spat, his frustration was prevalent.   
“Track her, we can still get to her.” Kylo demanded.   
“Our supreme leader is dead.” Hux declared, but was cut off by Kylo, who held him up in a force choke. He looked Hux in the eye.   
“Long live the Supreme Leader.” Hux choked out, then Kylo dropped him. His hand shaking. He wasn't sure what he was doing, it scared him, all of it. He had lost her. He had lost Rey. She could never forgive him.   
Rey began to follow the beacon she had received from Leia, hoping to find the Resistance again she had to get away from her thoughts, all she could think about was Kylo. He seemed worse off than before. He had betrayed her trust, he was still Kylo, he wasn't Ben. What will he do now? There was no one who held him in their grasp anymore. She could only imagine the things that could happen now, he could take Snoke’s place, or he could find his way out of the First Order somehow. She knew he wasn't strong enough mentally to do so, but she wanted to be hopeful, she still had an odd feeling for him, one she couldn't explain. She couldn't figure out if it was love or something else, her mind was far too scrambled. She had thoughts of how I'll he had seemed when she saw him, his face pale, his body was far smaller than she remembered, even though she didn't want to admit it, she was worried. He couldn't continue what he was doing, she realized. It would kill him, yet she couldn't believe what he had done, he had almost turned, but then he didn't. He was still there, with the enemy. She felt split on him, she couldn't cut him out, even if their bond was synthetic, which she hardly believed it to be, it was far too strong. She couldn't keep communication, someone would find out, and it'd be curtains. She let the decision loom, and returned to the Resistance fleet, who have ended up on Crait, the mineral planet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorta slowish  
> Sorry it's not a good chapter


	5. Realization

Kylo, who'd convinced General Hux that Rey killed Snoke, was now in a state of confusion, anger, regret. He had given himself the chance for a better life, but it all was thrown out the window because he still had this lust for power. He also blamed his rage on the fact that he was hungry, it always seemed to happen like that, but he couldn’t care less about it, he just dealt with the feeling. Hux wanted terribly to destroy the Resistance, as they were blocking him from his place of full power. Kylo, well he didn't, he wanted nothing to do with the First Order, he cared slightly about the Resistance, leaving him to care deeply about Rey. He wanted her to be ok, but he didn't know where she was. She could be back on the outer rim for all he knew, or even back on Jakku, but that was highly unlikely. Hux had the ship landed on Crait, where they were told the Resistance was, they pulled a cannon up to the base, hoping to get through the door. Kylo, blinded with rage and this feeling of rejection wanted revenge of some sort, he didn’t know what, just revenge of some sort. He couldn’t tell if he was angry at himself or someone else, he couldn’t think straight.  
He knew Rey wasn’t in there, he didn’t feel her presence, if he did, he would’ve never let Hux do what he was doing. She was his way out of this life that he’s living, and all he wants is out, from all of it, the pain, the heartache, everything he’s done. He knows it cannot be forgiven, but he can learn to move past it, just as he said, let the past die. He watched as fighters began to fly, well ski, out of the mine, so he watched Hux demand the Walkers to fire onto the fighters, he stood in front, watching the chaos, his mind only half awake. He watched as Hux called for the cannon to be fired. He saw, out of the corner of his eye, the Millenium Falcon. There was no sign he could sense that Rey was there. He wanted it gone, as all it did every time he saw it was cause him heartache. He used to fly with his dad, Han, whom had been destroyed by his own hand. His heart dropped and he felt a more intense mixture of anger and sadness as he watched the fighters get destroyed one by one, and then the Falcon disappeared, and a singular human walked out of the mine. It took him a minute to identify who it was, but once he did, his heart sunk. He remembered what had happened that one night, what he had done. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, did he want to kill Luke, did he want someone to just tell him that it’s ok, his emotions were far more split than he thought. He wanted revenge, so he ordered every man to fire onto Luke, hoping it’d give him the feeling he had needed to feel for years. It didn’t. He felt nothing, once he looked up after Hux had called for the guns to stop and remarked to him. He had no emotion. He couldn’t think, as he was surprised that Luke had survived all that, but the Force does crazy things, and this, well it wasn’t impossible. He ordered to let him down, to meet Luke there. His intentions were far from clear, even to himself. He walked towards Luke, his heart was doing that thing it sometimes did, fast then slow then fast. He threw his cape off when he met Luke, yet regretted it, as his body became cold very fast.   
“Did you come here to save my soul?” He asked. Bitter. Luke just shook his head.   
“No.” He said, clear as day. Kylo ignited his saber, and Luke did the same. Kylo lunged toward him, surprised by his own dexterity, yet he wasn’t fast enough, as the attack was dodged. His body couldn’t take much, he felt his limbs begin to give out.   
“The war is over, the Resistance is no more, and I'll kill the last Jedi.” Kylo stated, his voice was unsure. He wasn't himself, he could feel it. His actions were harsh again, far different than those just a few hours earlier.   
“Every word you just said, was wrong.” Luke said. Kylo's face turned to confusion. He didn't know how to process the information. His eyes were stuck on revenge.   
“I'll kill her, I'll burn it all to the ground.” Kylo said, far more of a tremor was in his voice, his limbs were shaking. He couldn't do this, he was far too weak, mentally and physically. His mind couldn't think, it had only the thought of revenge for the years of suffering he had been through after the attempted murder of himself by his own master.   
Rey had landed the Falcon where she could feel it was signaling the loudest. Her instincts led to under the rocks which lay in front of her, so she began to attempt to lift them. All her energy began to focus on the rocks, and one by one, they began to drift upwards. They revealed the remaining frightened Resistance. She dropped the rocks to the side and Finn ran out to hug her. She had so many conflicting emotions. She had held out hope for Ben, and it seemed it all fell short. Her heart ached. It seemed all hope for him was lost and she was stuck again. The bond seemed synthetic, created only as a tool of capture and deception, and it’s gone now. She gathered everyone upon the ship, and before she got herself on, she felt something, the same bond, the one she had dismissed just minutes earlier. She looked him in the eyes, but it was painful, his eyes were full of regret, guilt and so much that she couldn’t bear to think about. He looked far worse than she could’ve ever imagined. He looked towards her, his eyes pleading for something that she couldn’t identify. She glared at him, hoping to convey her disappointment in him, she couldn't hate him. She did close the door of the Falcon, but before she did, she witnessed a tear slip down his cheek. She took a breath and sat down with her broken saber. Her head was down, thinking of what could've been. She could've brought Ben home to Leia, saved the Resistance. Rey sighed and then saw Leis put a hand on the saber. She looked up at Leia and smiled.   
Kylo got up from the kneeling position he was in once he couldn't feel Rey's presence anymore. He walked out of the room to look for Hux and the troopers, which he eventually did.   
“They're gone. You let them escape.” Hux stated. Kylo looked toward the cliff. They walked back to the outside ships and got back in, escaping to a different First Order star destroyer, as most of them were gone. Kylo had found a room to reside in. He wasn't accustomed to how much smaller it was, but it didn't feel much different, as he had already accustomed himself to evacuating and changing ships. He'd already done it on Starkiller Base. He had immediately retreated to the room. Hux already began leading from the bridge, as he knew Kylo was far too unstable to lead the First Order, he didn’t really want him there anyway, he just got in the way of Hux’s plans.   
Kylo’s mind was racing again, he couldn’t think at all. He had blown the chances he had to escape this place and he had been a coward. He was sitting on the back wall of the room, rotating the small blade he kept in a small, hollowed out area of his boot. He never had wounded his wrist in fear of someone finding it, but the fear went out the window and his need for the feeling that this gave him was far stronger. He rolled up his sleeve and began to drag the blade across in hopes it'd make the thoughts of Rey leave his mind. She clearly wanted nothing to do with him, and it was all his fault. He dragged the blade up his wrist and to the elbow in little motions, the wounds began to bleed, so he grabbed some wrapping and wrapped his wrist in it, hoping it'd hide the wounds. He pulled the sleeve back over the wounds and put his glove back on his hand. He pulled himself up from the floor, trying to gather his composure again, but his head wouldn't clear. He was far too dizzy to stay standing, so he slid back to the floor, not knowing how to fix himself.   
Rey looked down. The Falcon was full, and she couldn't find a good spot to be alone. She eventually found a small spot in the back of the Falcon and sat. Her wrist burned this time, she couldn't imagine anything that would cause the pain, well except for Kylo. She still had the bond with him, and the only explanation for the pain was one she couldn't bear to think about.   
He was doing it to himself.


	6. Knowing

The last few times that the bond had connected the two, Rey had ignored him, hoping he'd stop connecting. She had tried to stop the bond many times, but it stayed persistent, so she gave up and just pretended that Kylo wasn't there. She stopped observing his face, and had no idea whether he looked worse than before or not. She still felt the pain on the limbs of her body, but her ability to ignore it got far stronger. She was busy with the Resistance and helping to build their new base, as they had finally gotten a signal from a few allies from the outer rim. They had gotten themselves into an area that seemed out of reach for the First Order. The entire base was protected with a maze-like cave in the front, in hopes that they’d be unseen if they were to be under attack. She knew Kylo could still see it all, but it seemed he kept it all a secret from anyone. The week hadn’t been as eventful as the week before, but it was far better than her life on Jakku. She was surrounded by those who actually cared for her and had everything she needed without the need to scavenge for her own food and shelter, yet she still felt something was missing, her heart felt empty. She still longed for Kylo, she had tried to hide it from herself, but she had a longing for him, and she would never feel as if she was content until he was ok and safely with her. She still worried about him, how gaunt his face had become, something ailed him, but what, she still couldn’t tell, and she felt she couldn’t acknowledge him during connections yet. She wanted to, but something about it felt weird, communicating with the Supreme Leader through the Force. No one around her should ever know.  
Kylo sat in the medical bay again, it wasn’t the first time in the days after Crait. Once he had been there because he had passed out in the hall, another for a touch up on his facial scar, then this one was to stitch up wounds that he had done. No one knew he had done them himself, they just assumed they were opened wounds from Crait. He looked down, his hands were cold, half probably from blood loss and the other half from terrible circulation. He had no real reason for the wounding except for himself. He watched as the droids stitched the wounds, they weren’t as deep as he thought they’d be, but they were unusually deep this time. He felt far more alone than he ever thought he would. He at least had the bond with Rey, but now she was ignoring him, which didn’t help. He looked up, as he sensed Rey, again. He was hopeful that she’d talk to him this time, but he was like that everytime it happened, and it never did. She looked at him, then at the stitching that was being done on his arm. Her face visibly grew concerned. The pain that she felt the few hours before now made sense. He looked toward her, his eyes told her everything, he needed her. He wasn’t himself without her. She noticed that he looked far worse than before. His face was far paler than it was on Crait and it concerned her. She looked down, contemplating whether she should break her silence.  
“Ben.” She said. Her voice was shaky. He looked up, while continuing to hold his wrists out for the droids. His eyes looked desperate.  
“I thought you hated me.” He spoke. His eyes fell back onto the droids, hoping to avoid the look of what seemed like pity from Rey.  
“What happened?” Rey asked. Kylo looked up again, one of his arms was done, so he put his glove back on in a haste, hoping to hide his arm.  
“Just a few wounds.” He said hastily, hoping she’d ignore the statement and forget about it all.  
“They look like they’d hurt.” She said, remembering the pain from earlier. She knew he hadn’t been fighting after Crait, the only way that these wounds would have gotten there are either from someone in the First Order or from himself.   
“They’re nothing.” He said. He wasn’t keen on discussing the one thing he wished he could keep to himself, but it seemed Rey was figuring it out now, at least it seemed.  
“They don’t look like nothing.” She said, observing the arm that was far more destroyed, the wounds going from the wrist to the elbow, some more shallow, some far deeper than others. It shocked Rey to say the least, to see him like this.   
“Why do you even care?” He told her, she turned bright red.  
“I don’t...I just want to know who did those. Snoke is dead, Hux wouldn’t dare. You haven’t fought anyone since Crait,” She spat out, almost offended he’d think she cared about him. He watched the droid finish the last few stitches. He pulled his sleeve down again and put his glove back on. “The only person left is yourself, you’ve done this to yourself.” Rey observed, and at this statement Kylo looked at her. He began to shed a few tears, hoping she wouldn’t see. He swiftly wiped them away before looking at her again. He knew he was secretly hoping that she’d find out, but he wasn’t prepared for it to be this way. He stood up from the bench and moved his fingers, making sure his hands still had their full range of motion.  
“They’re my own.” He confessed, proving true what Rey was thinking. She sighed, clearly distressed by what she had heard from Kylo and the realization that what she thought was true. She wasn’t convinced that explained why he looked as bad as he did. His face was far more gaunt and tired than it had been. Rey was worried, but she couldn’t tell anyone, not even Leia. She sat down in the back of the base, where no one could find her. She got up from the spot where she sat, her legs shaking as she did. The information swarmed in her head, he was suffering and she was helpless unless she was there with him, but if she was with him, she’d be shot dead in an instant. She walked back to the others. She wanted to at least tell Leia, but that would reveal the force bond and that she had feelings for the Supreme Leader of the First Order, the sworn enemy of the Resistance. Someone had to know, someone who actually cared. He won’t survive if he stayed with the First Order, he’d either be shot dead or he’ll kill himself through something that he does, but she didn’t know how to get him out without him becoming a target to both sides.   
Kylo wandered the halls again, an activity he found himself doing quite often, and now that he had actually eaten something since Crait, it wasn’t as hard on him as it had been on the Supremacy. He didn’t feel quite as dizzy, his heart didn’t skip beats quite as much, it made it easier, but the feeling wouldn’t last long to him, he knew it’d go away if he would do it again, either of what he does. Wound himself or make himself ill, it made him feel tired, and more than tired, exhausted, gasping for life. When he made himself ill, it hurt more than the wounding, but it was more involved as well. He knew it was dangerous, the pain it causes him is his indicator that it is indeed dangerous, but so is anything else. He wanted it to be over, the pain to leave and his body to function as it used to. That would never happen, his body had taken enough of a toll that permanent damage would ensue, and it wouldn’t be small. He walked towards the back of the ship, where very few troopers or officers would be. He caught a quick glimpse of his appearance in one of the walls, which was reflective. His body looked awkward under his robes, as if they swallowed him, only the belt around his tunic seemed to tighten every couple of weeks, which has caused alarm to some around him, but he didn’t mind much. He felt he should take some less space up, especially as supreme leader. He walked past the wall and made a turn to go back to the bridge. He didn’t know what he was doing, it seemed Hux had taken control of the bridge, as Kylo had spent so much time in the medical bay in the past week.   
Rey was sitting on a rock, outside of the cave. She wanted to pretend she was meditating, but she was just thinking of him. Her thoughts were still all over. Why was he so gaunt? She knew that he wasn’t treated well in the First Order, but this seemed far off from even them. He was wounding himself, and with that comes a lot more. She didn’t want to jump to conclusions about him, but her instinct told her it was something dangerous. She heard footsteps from behind, so she looked, surprised by Finn.  
“You’ve been out here for a while, are you doing ok?” He asked. She nodded. Her mind still on Kylo and his deteriorating self.  
“Yeah, just thinking.” She said, and she followed Finn back into the base.  
“About what?” He asked, she was taken aback. He’d destroy her if she told him.  
“I have a sinking feeling that a friend isn’t doing well.” She explained, hoping that Kylo would find himself, make it to her side, and leave the First Order before he kills himself.


	7. Confession

The last few connections that the two had, Rey had grown more and more concerned, her heart sank every time she saw Kylo. His lips sometimes looked purple, as if his body couldn’t make substantial heat, his hair didn’t look as full as it usually did, as if strands were falling out. His face seemed almost grey. She felt so hopeless. She couldn’t tell anyone in the Resistance, as they thought he was pure evil. She tried helping him herself, but it seemed to be useless as well. He always seemed dismissive of her concerns. She knew that he needed to somehow get away from the First Order, but a plan felt out of reach, as he would have nowhere to go. He was feared, hated in most every part of the galaxy, anyone who’d see him would probably try to shoot him dead. She had almost slipped it to Leia a few times, but then chickened out, as she was concerned of what would happen if she did.  
Rey was sitting outside again, watching the sunset, the planet had two suns, almost like Tatooine, but they weren’t the same as she had heard described in the tales that were passed around on Jakku. She felt a jolt.  
“Didn’t this happen already today?” She asked. Kylo looked up from the medical bay table again, his wrists exposed again. This time he was getting the stitches removed from the wounds. He looked up at her, his face still ghostly pale.  
“Shouldn’t you be used to this by now? It happens when it happens.” He told her, his lips weren’t as blue as before, but they were certainly discolored. He moved the fingers of his right hand, making sure the motion was still in tact, and Rey observed all the tendons that she saw in his fingers, almost as if the skin was just draped over the bones, and nothing separated them. She had never known the full extent of this all, his robes always seemed to hide his figure, but seeing how thin his fingers were. It smacked her in the face with reality, and it saddened her.  
“How’re your arms?” She asked. He looked down at his wrists.   
“Fine.” He told her. She wanted so terribly to ask about everything else, but it seemed useless, everytime she asked, he turned away and told her to stop worrying, but she wanted an answer today, she needed an answer.   
“You’re avoiding the truth.” She told him. He looked down, hoping to avoid the eye contact that Rey was hoping to make, which only solidified the idea that he was hiding something, or multiple things.  
“What truth?” He asked. She sighed. The sun had set now, and the moon shone brightly towards her.   
“Why you’re so pale, why your lips are blue, why your hair is falling out. Why you’ve become so small. You’ve danced around it through all this, I want to know. What are you doing to yourself? Whatever it is, it’s killing you,” She spouted. Her eyes began to tear up. She wiped her eyes, hoping he hadn’t seen. Kylo moved the fingers on the other hand to check the range of motion, and Rey’s eyes fixated on that hand, it was the same, the skin draped over the bone, as if there was nothing left. It was obvious to her now, why hadn’t she thought of it before. He was starving, on his own free will, as so it seemed. She looked back up, hoping to meet his eyes. “You’re starving yourself?” She stated. He looked up, his eyes were wide, as if she had figured out something that she shouldn’t have.  
“...how-... yes.” He said, not knowing what else to say. She laid her hands flat for him, hoping that maybe he could reach out and grab them, so he could feel less alone or frightened. He knew the gesture and placed his hands on hers, and she grabbed them in hopes to help comfort him, especially after all that had just happened.  
“Why would you?” She asked, her voice shaking now. He shrugged, he had forgotten why, it had been so long.   
“It’s been too long, I can’t remember.” He said. Rey could feel the tendons in his hand and how sharp his knuckles were. It caught her off guard for a moment.  
“Ben. Why do you still do it, if you forgot why?” She asked, desperate for an answer. He looked down, his hands were clearly shaking.  
“I did it...for some sort of comfort from it all.” He confessed, his hands shook more now. He looked back up at rey, tears welling at his tear duct.  
“Comfort? From what?” She asked.  
“Snoke, the incident on Ach-too. All of it really. It changed so fast, I needed something I could hang onto.” He explained, his voice broke halfway through. She hated to see him in as much pain as he was in, but seemed necessary for him to look into it all, just so he could survive.  
“Is that it? A sense of comfort?” She asked. She was skeptical as to why he had chosen the most destructive methods to comfort him. They seemed far from comforting to her.  
“And...punishment, for myself.” He confessed. His right hand grabbed onto Rey’s just a little bit harder.  
“For what?” She asked.  
“Anything. It helps when Snoke would breathe down my neck and destroy any sense of myself that I had. It started with the wounds, but it evolved because one type of pain wasn’t enough.” He said. Rey heard footsteps. She spooked, causing the connection to break, leaving her with more in her head than she had started with. It all scared her. If he had been doing this for as long as she believed he did, then she knew she’d have to save him soon, before it all destroyed him.  
Kylo was spooked by the sudden end of the connection, but it happened often that they would break the connection before the conversation would finish. He pulled his sleeves back down and put his gloves back on. He got up. His legs felt heavy again. He had begun to realize that this was a response that happened after he would make himself ill, and he began to learn how to fix it. He made his way back to his chambers and pulled out one of the minerals that he knew he was always lacking, put some on his finger and licked it. This was his way of not consuming food, yet still being able to survive. It seemed at this moment, he would only consume anything if he felt he needed it, or if someone else was beginning to get onto him, which were usually just bridge officers. His head cleared up a little bit, and the reality had hit him. Rey knew. She knew, and she probably wanted him to stop. He couldn’t, it seemed hopeless. He had tried in the past, but it ended in failure and him bent over the toilet in his fresher once again. His hands were still shaking from earlier, and they showed no sign of stopping. His hands were the smallest part of his body, he knew he wasn’t terribly thin, as his robes seemed to still fit, somewhat, but he was far smaller than most of the others on board, even Hux now, which was odd, as Hux had always been far smaller. He ran a shaking hand through his hair, as he removed it, strands fell to the floor, as if they just broke off. He took his gloves off and put them on the stand that held the rest of his things and walked to the fresher, on the other side of his chamber. He stood in front of the mirror and looked at his own face closely for the first time since before Crait. He had noticed that he looked worse, his eyes were sadder, his face paler. His cheeks had hollowed out more. He was shocked by his own appearance, but he didn’t care as much as he should. He didn’t want to save himself, he wasn’t worthy, maybe Rey would be enough to convince him to recover from what he’s done, but as of now, it all seemed hopeless. His heart still beat with its’ odd rhythm, yet slower now than it had on the Supremacy.   
Rey felt the small palpitations, and she knew instantly it was Kylo, she couldn’t sleep, especially not after everything that had happened during the day. She was scared, scared for his safety, but she had no way to get him to safety yet. Her chest ached again, and this time she couldn’t tell if it was her own or his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments  
> I'm in need of opinions, feedback and such to improve my writing


	8. Afraid

Kylo was standing on the bridge, taking the place of Hux, as it seemed Hux had more to attend to. His heart seemed to be racing just by standing there, which was a new development. It wasn’t comfortable at all, quite the opposite actually. His mind was wrapped around this weird growing self hatred that he had. It didn’t help that he had been dragged to the med bay and had his blood looked at, as he had passed out a few times now, twice yesterday, which raised concern to the droids in the med bay. He thought they wouldn’t be as intelligent as they were, but they seemed to know that something was up. They never told anyone a thing, as files were classified, but they could tell if something was wrong. The results of the tests would come back to him either later that day, or the next, but time was a seemingly useless concept, as he rarely slept anyway. His days just flowed from one to the next, with no concept of what had passed. He wanted to retreat to his chamber again, but with no one watching over the bridge, it seems it’d be chaos, so he had to wait until Hux was back to take his place. He rarely showed his face at the bridge anymore, he’d just wander around the halls of the ship, it was a nervous tick now, to wander, even if his legs felt heavy and his body didn’t seem to work. He heard footsteps come from behind him.  
“I’ll relieve you from the duties on the bridge Ren.” Hux said, and Kylo stepped back, allowing Hux to take the spot near the large window. He slipped from the bridge and walked back to his chambers. He had an odd feeling rush over him. He couldn’t think straight, his mind only wandered to Rey and that hole in his mind that seemed to never go away. It was created from his life, the breaching of his mind, the way he was destroyed. Snoke’s words just broke him more and more as he got older, and no one seemed to care at all, except well, Rey, she cared. She was the first, and it was a feeling that kept his head above the water. He had no desire to be the leader of the First Order. He traced his finger over the scar on his face. It felt rough, but not as rough as it used to. He made his way into the fresher and looked at himself in the mirror. He observed the way his face did indeed look ghostly. He hadn’t seen his face up close, and it truly did look far worse. He traced the tendons, which seemed to stick out far more than he remembered. He had never wanted it to turn out like this, it was only a punishment he promised he’d do once. His hand traced several sharp spots on his chest, he didn’t know what they were, so concerned he de-robed his torso, and he was taken aback by the site. The sharp spots were his bones, the ones on his chest, like a ladder on his sternum. His entire being was as gray as his face. He knew it wasn’t a sign he should ignore, but he tried to tell himself that he was fine, and that he should punish himself for showing a sign of weakness. He turns towards the toilet in the fresher, his heart seemed calmer than it used to be. It used to race when he would do this, but now it just beat like it does, that weird rhythm that changes from fast to slow far too quickly. Before he could think, he leaned over and, which always surprised him now, pressed on his stomach and closed his eyes. It tasted sour, but it always did. He was grateful that he had eaten that morning, as it would’ve tasted much worse if he hadn’t, but now any of his efforts to help himself had been erased by this. He cleaned his mouth from the vile taste and sat on the floor of the fresher, still half clothed. He had no energy to pull himself back up at the moment, so he was doomed to sit there until his legs found strength again. He bent his knees up enough to create rests for his arms, which felt as heavy as his legs seemed to be. He ran one of his thumbs over the tendons in his hand, which stuck out far more than he thought. They truly did alarm him. He looked up.  
“Why must it always happen at the worst times.” He said, frustrated that she had seen him at such a vulnerable state. Rey was speechless for a moment, she had never seen his body fully, at least not for sometime. The state it was in shocked her. It was far worse than she imagined.  
“Ben…” She trailed off, her eyes were already welling up with tears just at the sight of him. She didn’t know why, but she cared so much for him. She reached out a hand and ran it over his own hand. She noticed the way it felt. The bones were sharp. She could feel each tendon move as he grabbed her hand.  
“Taken aback, aren’t you?” He asked. She nodded, still surprised by the sight of him. She brushed the hair out of his face.  
“What are you doing to yourself? It’s haunting to look at.” She whispered. Her voice breaking as she asked. She wanted more answers. One, to know what he was doing in the fresher, practically naked. Then the others, which were more concerning his mind.  
“I wish I knew. I’m just as clueless as you.” He said. He grasped her hand for what seemed like dear life. She was his lifeline, he knew that. His knees seemed to pull closer to him now in a way of preserving heat. He shivered, the cold floor wasn’t much help either.  
“You’re cold,” She stated. He nodded. His whole body felt frozen, but he couldn’t find his way up from the floor, his body still felt too heavy to lift. Rey observed the fact that he was stripped almost bare. “And that’s why. You’re on the cold floor in just your undergarments. You need to find something warm.” She told him. He shook his head.  
“It’s nothing.” He said, hoping she’d ignore it, and move on. She didn’t, her eyes fell right onto the knuckle that he sometimes used to make himself ill. He forgot about the wounds that were on it from his own teeth. He met her eyes as she looked up again, frightened it seemed.  
“Ben, what are these? You can’t be...no.” She said. Her eyes looked down at them again. It seemed she knew what the marks were. He didn’t know how, but it was clear to her.   
“You know them?” He asked, curious as to where she’d seen them before.  
“Someone told me a story once, when I was quite a lot younger, hoping to scare me away.” She explained. Her fingers were rubbing the marks, hoping to comfort him. He looked down. Her words from Starkiller base resonated again. Monster. He was just that.  
“I guess you were right. I’m just a monster, and this makes it more so.” He said, his eyes kept watching her hand.   
“You’re far from it, if anything you’re just frightened.” She told him, and then a droid flew into the fresher, notifying him of the finished tests on his blood, and his urgent need to go back. He spooked before hitting his head on the sink and finally managing himself to get to his feet.  
Rey walked back into the base, nothing had happened since they found this place. She had been planted steady. They sent out fighters sometimes to scout, but nothing would come up. They were hoping to avoid the First Order until they could manage to get some reinforcements, so the days were slow at the base. She was just exploring the planet, hoping to get away while she talked to Kylo. Her entire being was shaken to the core, as the imagery of what he was doing and what it had turned him into was crowding her mind. It terrified her, more so now that she had seen the extent of the damage done. The longer she waited to get him off of the ship, the worse he’d get. It almost felt as if she was watching him essentially kill himself, and it broke her. She walked back into the base and was almost immediately greeted by Poe, who seemed to bear news.  
“They spotted First Order ships a few parsecs away. We may need to prepare ourselves sooner than we think, unless we can mask ourselves.” Poe told her. She felt both anger as well as relief. She could pull Ben out of the mess that he was in, but after that? Who would take him? Surely the Resistance wouldn’t, neither anyone else. He would have no place to go, to run away.  
Kylo sat on the med bay table again, this time getting some injections of nutrients it seemed his blood was critically low on. It was the cause for why he had blacked out multiple times. He felt indifferent about the whole process, he wouldn’t have cared if the deficiency would’ve killed him, but he also had hoped to see Rey in person at least once more. She was his beacon of light, he knew that. She was the hole that seemed to be missing in his heart, the one that he kept trying to fill with his bad habits. He flinched every time a new syringe was pricked into his veins. It seemed his skin broke far easier, and it hurt more than it used to. His time spent in the med bay was far more than that on the bridge, doing what he should be, and it was all from his own doing and bad decisions. He wished the pain could just go away, but in what way? He wasn’t sure.


	9. Touch

Rey awoke with a start from the nightmare she had been having. Her forehead was drenched in sweat and her heart was racing. The early morning sky was still dark and the entire Resistance base was quiet, except for maybe the few with night shifts who stayed up until they crashed. She wandered through the halls and back to the outside, where she seemed to spend a lot of her time. She had to get away from the stale air in the room she was in, and the sweat didn’t help with that. Her clothes felt damp, but that wasn’t something unexpected, just uncomfortable. The dream was fresh in her mind, and it seemed far too real. It was about Ben again, as most of the other dreams that stayed in her mind were. She wandered to the other side of the base, where water lay by the grassy sand. She observed how the two merged into each other, unlike the cave on Ach-to, which was a deep fall, this was just a slant, and the sand eventually became hidden underneath the water. She sat near the water, where the view of the night sky was brighter than she could ever imagine. She looked towards the woods that were on her right side, which took up most of the planet, the cave and the clearing were one of the only places without many trees.   
“You look scared.” She heard a voice, which was unmistakably Ben’s. She was relieved to know that he was alive, especially after what her nightmare had shown.  
“It was just a nightmare.” She told him, her voice stark, trying to get him to drop the conversation.  
“Yet you’re shaken.” He observed, hoping she would open up about it. He could tell that it was something she cared about quite deeply.   
“What about?” He asked. She looked down.  
“You. It was about you.” She explained, her face almost buried in her hair, which was completely down. She was trying to hide the fear that the dream had instilled in her, but it came through, her entire body language hinted at it.  
“What did you see?” He asked, now curious about it. She looked up again, hoping her eyes wouldn’t seem as frightened. Her eyes met with his. They were wide, just as they had been after Crait, frightened. He was just as frightened as she was.   
“You had died… but not of someone else, but of your own hand.” She explained, trying to hide the break in her voice as she explained the frightful vision out loud.   
“And you trust such a dream?” He asked. He knew of the way that dreams had affected his family, how his grandfather had become who he had been because of dreams. He wouldn’t let Rey do the same.  
“It felt so real, I thought it had happened.” She told him. Her clothes had dried now.  
“Would it help if I told you I plan on doing no such thing.” He asked. She nodded.  
“I just want to know why.” She suddenly said, her voice more adamant now. He looked confused, trying to determine what she had said.  
“Why what?” He asked. He sat down beside her. She was still fascinated that the force could do what it was doing, they could physically touch one another, objects from the other’s surroundings, and seem almost as if they were there together. He placed his hand out for her to grab, hoping it would comfort her, just like she did to him when she learned of his habits.  
“Why do you do all you do? It’s just making you worse.” She said. He rubbed his thumb on her palm. His face was turning red, he had never been intimate with anyone before. It was a foreign feeling to have romantic attachment to someone, yet he felt so strongly for her, and it seemed she returned the favor.  
“Punishment. I’ve told you this before.” He explained. She knew he was hiding something again, there was more to him, but she didn’t want to cause anything. She scooted closer to him. They sat quietly for awhile in the presence of one another. They inched closer and closer to one another, unknowingly it seemed until their shoulders were just inches apart. Rey’s cheeks began to turn red. She had never been this close to anyone. She turned her head, hoping to initiate conversation again.  
“Your skin’s so cold.” She observed. She could tell it was an effect of his habits, but it seemed far worse than she imagined.  
“It’s always like that, poor circulation probably.” He told her awkwardly. He turned his head, but was faced with her own. They were so close to one another, and it was obvious that both didn’t know what to do. He wanted to kiss her, that was the obvious thing, but he didn’t know if she even knew what a kiss was, so he restrained. She was waiting for something, maybe he would kiss her. She had just learned what a kiss was, but it seemed like something she wanted, especially from him. They both stared each other down, awkwardly. She put a hand on his face, but flinched at how dry his skin was. She looked down, which relieved the eye contact. Was he waiting for her to initiate something. She decided to stop hesitating and quickly pecked her lips on his, hoping he’d be ok with the feeling, and then quickly turned her head away. He looked stunned, not angry, not scared, just stunned. She noticed he was turning red.   
“...Sorry.” She quickly apologized. After he regained himself his face grew confused.  
“For what?” He asked. He brushed some of her hair out of her face.   
“You didn’t hate it?” She asked. He looked down and cracked a slight smile, hoping it wouldn’t show to her. The moment that her lips touched his, he felt something he’d never felt. Compassion. He loved her, it was obvious to him, but he’d never felt this way. The feeling was foreign and he didn’t know what make of it. He looked her in the eyes again.  
“No. Don’t be afraid to do it more often.” He said. She smiled, but this time there was something different. There was a spark in her eye that he had never seen before.  
“Rey?” She heard someone call out from a distance, it sounded like Finn’s voice. She quickly turned, causing the connection to end. She got up from where she sat and quickly made her way back to Finn. Her clothes had dried now, but sand stuck to her shoes. “What were you doing out here?” He asked. She shrugged and kept trying to get the sand off of herself before walking back into the base.  
“Just had to get some fresh air.” She lied to him, knowing that the truth would make everything far worse. They got into the base and it was bustling now, people getting themselves ready for the day, those on night shifts were now asleep. She walked back into the room she shared with a few others. No one was in it anymore, so she decided to use the shower and get some of the sweat off of her body. Her thoughts shifted in the shower, from the kiss back to the dream. She still feared that he would not make it to her.   
Kylo got up off of the floor after the connection. He looked at his hand, which was ungloved. Had it all just happened, was it real? Was it a dream? He couldn’t tell. His heart was still pounding from after the kiss. She had the same feelings that he had, and it surprised him. How could she love someone like him? He’d done so much harm, how could someone see anything in him. As the days went on, Hux and himself had grown further apart. Kylo only spoke to Hux if needed, telling him to use less force or more force. To search for the base and create an invasion or just have a few fighters fly down. Hux was the one on the bridge for most of the day, Kylo only stood there periodically, if Hux needed him to. It created more tension between the two, Hux wanted the power that Kylo has, and Kylo wanted out. Kylo pulled his glove back on his hand and slowly got up. The injections from a few nights ago had helped his composure immensely, but it did nothing else, he just felt worse than before. He had felt ill after the treatment had finished, but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it, as it all would’ve just come back up, rendering that hour useless. He walked up to the bridge, hoping to get a glimpse of progress, maybe even learning where the base is, or finding a way into his fighter, so he could get there. He wandered next to Hux.  
“Still no sign of the base, they’ve hidden themselves well.” Hux stated, coldly, knowing it was Kylo who was asking. Kylo snuck back into the back of the ship and his mind went back onto Rey and the kiss. He needed her more than ever now. The statements that she made of him not surviving made sense to him now, but his mind ran blank on how to get himself to her.


	10. Desperation

A few days had passed. Kylo had another episode of blacking out. This time on the bridge, but thankfully not in Hux’s sight. The droids in the med bay decided to keep him under observation for the next few days, as they still couldn't figure out why he kept blacking out. He had no intentions of telling them, hoping they'd just find the physical ailments, so he could continue the things he does. They had him in a separate area in the bay, and hooked on vitals hoping they'd find something to explain it. The only thing they could find was his low heart rate, which seemed to beat with an odd arrhythmia, so they made sure to keep an eye on it. There were more tests that they ran on his blood, which meant more needles in his arms, and it really wasn’t the way he wanted to spend his day. He sat there quietly, waiting for the droids to finish. His middle finger had the small clasp on it, which is what gave the signals for the vitals. They beeped loudly and constantly, which bothered him quite a bit. He wanted to just figure it out and go back to the bridge, but it had been a solid day of him just being poked and tested upon already and it showed no sign of stopping. He thought about the kiss with Rey again. He longed to feel that same sense of happiness again. He had felt almost whole again with her, but it had broken too early, which brought him back into the stark reality. He looked towards the droid that was about to draw some more blood. He was prepared, yet the prick still surprised him.   
“Ow.” He said on impulse. He looked up as it drew out a vial.   
“Ben?” He heard Rey say. His elbow still burnt from the prick, which disoriented him for a couple seconds.   
“You found the worst time to do this.” He told her. Her eyes began to wander, widening when she realized he was back in the med bay. The beeping of the machine behind him was audible to her.   
“What did you do?” She asked. He shrugged and watched as another droid took a needle to his forearm. He flinched again as it caught the vein and then got pulled back out.   
“Just observation, it’s nothing.” He told her. She didn’t believe him. She knew it was something serious, it always had been, but getting the truth out of him was a task all in its’ own.  
“Ben, it’s not. It never is.” She said. He looks down, observing the now bleeding spots where the droids had injected needles and had drawn blood. He grabbed some of the gauze on the side of what he assumed was some sort of table and placed it on his forearm to hopefully stop the bleeding.   
“You're so persistent. I admire it.” He told her, dancing around the truth again. She sighed, frustrated, and took his hand again.   
“What did you do?” She asked him, her voice far more stern this time. Her eyes fell onto the clasp, as she has brushed over it with her finger. “You don't look much better than last time.” She told him. He shrugged, trying to play off his condition.   
“I blacked out on the bridge.” He explained. He knew his secrets were rarely kept when Rey got curious, she could sense any lie he told, so he would usually just give in and tell her the truth.   
“Do you know why?” She asked. Blacking out was out of character for him, but he had also done so much to himself that it seemed reasonable for him to at this point.   
“That's why I'm here. To figure out why.” He explained. She looked behind her and back at him.   
“How would they find out without learning of your habits?” She asked. He shrugged. He had never thought of that, but it seemed that the droids only had physical ailments in their systems, so they'd only detect what's physically wrong. It was the one thing he liked about them.  
“There’s no care here for anything not physical.” He explained. Her eyes locked with his again, just like they had during the time she kissed him, yet this time they looked sad, worried. He was afraid of something that he couldn’t figure out. She brushed some of the loose hair out of his face.   
“You seem frightened.” She observed. His eyes left her gaze. She couldn’t tell if it was shame or fear that caused it, but knowing him, it was probably both. His hand was clasping her wrist, mainly for the comfort.  
“It’s just getting worse, all of it.” He explained, and while he did, his voice broke. It disheartened her to see him in such a condition. His eyes looked dull every time her eyes locked with his, as if the life had disappeared years ago.   
“You don't have to do this you know.” She said. She couldn't understand why someone would put themselves through what he was doing. The concept seemed so foreign, especially for him.   
“I can't stop.” He explained. She pulled his bruised hand towards her and held it tightly, hoping it would. She could tell this was new to him, he wasn't used to such intimacy. His touch was timid around her, especially as they got closer with each other.   
“You have to try.” She pleaded. Her heart sank when she said it, knowing that he would just continue what he does.  
“I've tried for so long, but you give up after so long of fighting yourself.” He told her. She knew he'd hit that point, but even the ones who've hit that point could come back. She wanted to believe he would do the same. She pulled his face closer, keeping him steady in her arms.   
“Ben...if you don't. It'll just tear you apart, more than it already has.” She told him, her desperation now showing through in both her voice and expression. He didn’t know how to react to her act of intimacy, so he let her hold him. It comforted him, and the longer she kept him close, the more he seemed to trust her.  
“It’s hopeless to try.” He said. He knew that on any Finalizer, he was just there, alone, and getting himself somewhere else was a nightmare. His absence would bring Hux into full power, and he was far more ruthless than Kylo. His goals were only those of destruction and terror, he had no heart.   
“I can’t lose you.” She said, and pulled him in close. She crashed her lips on his again, but this time it felt less awkward. He didn’t fight it, quite frankly, he enjoyed it. His entire being returned the favor, with passion and not just a stiff gesture. After they had finished the kiss, he looked up, noticing another syringe, this time with some liquid in it, which he figured was probably the nutrients he was lacking. He flinched again as it went in. She saw the needle pierce his skin, then the connection ended.  
Rey was still holding the secrets of Kylo close to her, and she had told no one what she was doing. Her relationship began to feel real, and he was returning the favor, which meant that they had both developed mutual feelings for one another. She deducted that he was first, but they got blinded during the reign of Snoke, whom he had also killed to save her, and himself. She looked towards the sky one last time and then walked back inside. The base was still operating on trying to find more allies and ways to fight the First Order, but after the losses they had on Crait and during the destruction of Starkiller Base and the Dreadnaught; they knew that right now they needed to find some allies. She walked back towards the chambers again. No one had a need for her at the moment. Poe was busy bantering with Finn about tactics and teaching him how to pilot during it all. Leia was still trying to find the resources that they needed, but reinforcements seemed so hesitant to arrive. The more Kylo spoke of what was going on over on Finalizer, the more menacing Hux had become. It was no longer the duo, it was Hux commanding the First Order and Kylo avoiding his every step. Rey heard footsteps, so she looked up towards the sound and was surprised by Leia standing by her bed.  
“You’re so distant. Everything still ok?” Leia asked. Rey looked down, she wanted to tell her everything about Kylo, the pain, Snoke, how Luke had almost killed him, how he was destroying himself, but she knew she couldn’t. She could only hint at it, hoping Leia would begin to see her son as less of a monster and more as her lost, broken son.  
“Ben is in danger, General Hux is gaining power, and his first target is Ben.” She said, and then looked down to avoid the reaction, thinking it would be violence. When she did look up, there was only a tear that rolled down Leia’s cheek, just as her own.


	11. Found

Kylo had spent the last few days in the med bay. The observation period had ended, but he had been kept there for some small treatments the droids deemed useful. The droids had injected quite a few different nutrients to keep him from blacking out. It was temporary and he knew that, but he kept the hope that he'd be able to function. He was back in his chamber, as he had nothing he had to do. Hux had the bridge and other officers were locating the Resistance base. Hux had gained far more power than was expected. It was a slow rise, but as Kylo began to fall behind, Hux had taken most control of the First Order. Kylo got up off of his bed, dazed from the few hours of sleep he had gotten. His body didn't feel great, but his limbs felt less heavy to him. It took him a few seconds to regain himself. He pulled his robes onto his body. He had ordered some that would fit his body, yet they were still slightly loose on him, but he gave up on trying. He could feel his stomach burn, but he wasn't sure if it was acid or hunger, or both. He knew he should probably eat something, as it had been a good two days. He hoped that no one would be in the mess hall, as they called it, when he went in.  
Rey was still at the base. Her heart was set on slowly unveiling Kylo’s state to Leia, hoping that would change the way they see him. She wanted him to come to her, not only to be close to him, but also so that he’d get the care he desperately needed. Everyone in the base was busy, but she had nothing to do much to do unless there was an attack, so she was wandering the forest just outside the base to get an idea of her surroundings. The forest was thick, unkempt, which was nice for a change after everything that happened. She needed a break from it all. Her brain could barely keep up with everything that had happened in the past few weeks. She walked far from the base, the trees grew thicker as she kept walking deeper into the forest. There were thorns that would snag onto her robes. She couldn't keep her mind from him, even when she tried to run from it. Her steps became faster until she grew too tired to go any further. She sat in a relatively clear patch of grass to catch her breath.   
Kylo wandered again, his entire being felt heavy, but this time from something else. He had eaten, willingly, which he hated. It made his stomach hurt and it felt wrong to do, as if it was forbidden. He wanted terribly to make himself ill so he could relieve his mind and body from the pain, yet he knew he shouldn't. His body felt like his own body and not disconnected from his mind like it usually did. His being wasn't cold, his head wasn't foggy, yet it felt so wrong. He eventually made his way back into his chamber, hoping to hide until the feeling passes, hoping no one will see him in such a state. His mind eventually had an override on any sense of logic he had, and he ended up in his fresher. He first peered into his mirror. His skin was still just as pale as it had been the last time, if not more pale. He ran his hand through his hair, which was matted down by now. He hadn't found the strength to shower for far too long, which seemed to be the cause for his hair. He turned towards the toilet. He wanted so terribly to stick his fingers down his throat, but he knew it would undermine any efforts that were made to fix the damage he had inflicted on himself. The need to fix the pain overrid the logic and he bent over the toilet, took the glove off of his hand and looked up.   
“You really found a bad time for this.” He said, he was clearly irritated. Rey tried to figure out what exactly he was doing that caused this to be such a bad time, but it was almost instantly that she realized, he was about to make himself ill. She had caught him in the act. Her heart sank when she realized.   
“You almost did it again.” She said. He found his composure and put his glove back on his hand.   
“It's not what you think.” He said quickly, but he knew that Rey was already aware. The arguing was pointless now. He watched as she walked closer to him, hoping to create the sense of comfort he seemed to need when he opened up.   
“Ben...it'll kill you.” She said. Her voice began to shake.   
“I know.” He told her. She pulled him in closer to her. The statement was heartbreaking, the way he seemed to have lost all hope. She kept her arms around his body, making sure he couldn't do anything. Tears fell down her cheek. She brushed the unkempt hair out of his eyes.   
“Why won't you try and fight it?” She asked. He looked to the ground, avoiding her gaze. He remembered the pain that it caused to fight the hunger. It hurt worse than the hunger itself.   
“It hurts far worse to get better than to fall apart.” He explained, but she couldn't care less. She knew his habits caused him unbearable pain. She pulled his face closer to her.   
“Ben...please. I can't watch you do this anymore.” She whispered. Their faces were close enough to touch, and they found their way towards each other. Ben’s eyes were wide open again, but the guilt in them became overwhelming. He crashed his lips onto her’s with no warning. He wasn’t quite sure what caused him to do such a thing, but it made him feel something other than pain. He pulls back, and she looks at him dead in the eyes.  
“Without you it seems pointless to try.” He whispered to her. They locked lips again, this time it was she who initiated the kiss. They spent far longer than anticipated in the kiss, until she finally broke it.  
“I need you to try,” She said, she placed a hand on his cheek to wipe away the first of what she believed was to be many tears. He slowly lost his composure and his legs gave out, so he fell to his knees. “Ben!” She called and knelt down in front of him, her hand reaching back to his cheek. His face was now wet with tears, and not just a few, but many. She had never seen him this vulnerable.  
“It all feels lost, it’s like the harder I try to stop, I fall further back into it all.” He said through choked sobs. He held onto her wrist, mainly for comfort. Usually when he was vulnerable, he needed something to hold onto, as it made him feel safe.  
“Until you find your way to me, you need to hold on. You can’t die before you leave the First Order.” She said. His eyes wandered down again. He couldn’t promise much. He just wanted peace within himself. He pressed his lips on her’s another time. There was something about the touch. It was something he’d never felt, this intimacy with her. It was a first, and it was something far beyond the emotions and the experiences he’s had and felt.   
“I can’t promise you much, but I can try.” He told her, and then he heard a knock on his chamber door. He quickly got up, breaking the connection, and found his composure again. He made sure that it looked like nothing had ever happened.  
Rey noticed that the sun was setting and the sky began to dim. She knew she had to get back before dark, so she got up from the grassy patch and began to walk back. Her legs were still shaking from all that had happened, but she managed to find her way back before dark. She couldn’t shake the feelings of him, the weird heart jolts she would feel, she knew those were his, but since the two were connected, she’d feel them to. It was the same with the pain, especially the pain of the wounds, but sometimes his stomach. She could only imagine the feeling of going through that sort of pain everyday, all day. It made her stomach turn in worry, just thinking of it all. She had to tell someone of it. She knew no one would enjoy her words, but they needed to be said to someone. She knew Leia would take the kindest to them. Her heart raced as she went to find her. What if she would be exiled for being in communication with the Supreme Leader of the First Order? What if she would be ignored? What if they tried to kill her? Her fears began to strengthen, but she was determined to let someone know. She did find Leia eventually and took a deep breath.  
“General?” She asked. Leia turned. She seemed calm enough to talk about something that could cause massive tension.  
“Ben’s in a lot of trouble, and I know how to help him.” Rey told her. Leia sighed.  
“He’s too far gone, we’ve already tried so hard to bring him back.” She said, so Rey shook her head.  
“He’s the closest the light that he’s ever been. I can feel it.” She told Leia, who just looked blank, not knowing how to respond, so Rey leaves her alone and retreats to her chamber.  
Kylo was now on the bridge, standing beside General Hux for the first time since Starkiller Base. He didn’t know why they had needed him, but he could only assume.  
“Sir, we’ve found the Resistance base.” Hux told him, and Kylo smiled, both to please Hux, but also for himself. Rey was down there, and she was his solace, his saviour. He needed to get to her; she could pull him from the hole he had dug himself into.


	12. Reunion

Hux commanded a small barrage of tie-fighters to attack the base, and Kylo offered to go with them. He knew that this would be a chance to leave the First Order, and it may be his only chance. He could crash his ship, be declared missing to Hux and Rey could find him. It was the only way he knew to get out. The longer he thought about everything, the more he realized that he didn’t have a deathwish, but staying on the Finalizer would eventually be the death of him. He knew that this was his chance to leave, so he took it, and went to his fighter. He looked up before he got in, and the rest of the crew was still preparing.  
“Prepare your fighters, a barrage is coming your way.” He warned Rey. She looked up.  
“And you?” She asked. He shrugged.  
“I’ll be close, somewhere near your base. Make sure you keep your eye on the lookout. Only you, let no one else know, or else I’m dead.” He explained. She shook her head. If he was shot down, he’d be dead, or close to it. It was risky, but she knew it was the only way he’d make it.  
“This better work, because if not, you’re as good as dead.” She warned him. He nodded, as a way to notify that he knew the risks.   
“It’ll all be ok...I promise.” He said, and hopped into his fighter. The connection broke, and Rey walked outside, her entire being on edge. Kylo led the fleet out of the hangar and into hyperspace. The coordinates of the planet had been set. His heart was racing as they got closer. He didn't know what would happen now, anything could happen, he could very well die. The fleet of fighters left hyperspace and headed straight to what looked like Jedha, but he knew it wasn't. Jedha had been destroyed during the reign of the empire. He took a deep breath. X-wing fighters appeared from the planet, and began to shoot down some of the fighters in front of him. Kylo quickly ducked out of cover, hoping to make a secure landing. Adrenaline seemed to keep him wide awake throughout. He entered the atmosphere of the planet, making sure to be weary of all the fighters. They had entered the atmosphere as well, which meant that the risk had increased. He began to dodge the shots that some X-wing had shot at him. He was close now, but he didn't know if he'd make it down. His fighter was close now, but a fighter had his back, ready to shoot him down any second. He lost himself now, the adrenaline wore off and he could barely stay awake. His eyes closed and he blacked out.   
“Ben...can you hear me?” Rey said. Kylo's eyes opened. He was on the ground, his fighter had fallen. He knew he had been hit, but it wasn't a terrible fall. He tried to move out of the shattered glass, but every little motion hurt him.   
“Where are you?” He asked. He noticed the glass that was wedged in his arms and parts of his torso. There was blood all around, but it wasn’t flowing, just dripping from the wounds.  
“I'm not sure.” He said. Rey began to try and figure out where he'd be. The X-wings were already back in the bay, almost all of them unscathed. No one has made it back to the First Order. The Resistance had destroyed all the fighters, which meant that Hux had a fair grab for power. Kylo was stiff, making sure to not cause any irritation to the wounds he sustained.  
“Stay where you are, I will find you.” She told him. She knew the force would assist her. He seemed to be in unbearable pain, she felt it every so often, when, she assumed, he was trying to move. She knew he was close, the bond seemed far stronger than when they were across the stars. She walked into the forest, her heart racing. The pain was stronger than before, and she knew it was only getting worse for him. Eventually she could see the clearing where he had crashed. She began to run towards him. It hadn't dawned on her yet that this was him, in the flesh. They had talked to each other for so long, but they had barely been together.   
“Ben.” She called out. Her heart was pounding. She saw the rubble and a very thin figure sprawled out in the mess. She knew it was him. His robes were unmistakable, and somehow still mostly intact, just a few holes in his sleeves. She ran to his side, preparing for the worst. She knelt beside him, tears stung her eyes.   
“Rey? You actually came?” He observed. She observed all the glass shards that were in his sleeves, they seemed excruciating.   
“Of course I would. I don't let people die, especially not you.” She said. She had to get him to the base. He needed the care dearly. How, well, she didn’t know. He didn’t seem to be in the condition to walk, but it may be the only way to get him over to the base. She began to try and help him up. He was weightless it seemed. He fought her touch for sometime. He clenched his teeth to ignore the pain that shot from his torso. He fell towards her. He could barely take a step without falling, but she was there to hold him. It was a foreign feeling, to have someone care. He stumbled along, fighting the pain in every step. It took some time for the two to get back. The events of what had just happened could barely have time to sink in, and could barely be processed through the pain. He dragged himself through the pain, it hurt every part of his being to place one foot in front of another. He began to see the base, it was still a bit of way, but it was there. The two of them slowly made it to the door. His body had stopped the bleeding now, but his face was covered in dried blood and bruises. He looked far worse than she remembered.   
“Breathe. Leia is aware of your situation.” Rey told him. He took a deep breath. It caused sharp pain in his side, and he flinched. She opened the door of the base and helped his shaking frame inside. A few people stared, some readied their blasters. He knew he wasn't wanted here, but Rey kept dragging his broken body across the base. The silence broke once they had opened the door to the med bay. He hadn't noticed that Leia was waiting, but for whom, he didn't know. He collapsed to the floor, the pain unbearable. He was awake, but he couldn't move. Rey knelt beside him and Leia walked toward him, her face full of emotions ranging from anger to grief to despair. He ignored her gaze, not knowing if he could face her yet.   
“Ben?” She asked. Her voice was soft. He looked up, his eyes were wide. Leia placed her hands on his cheeks. Seeing her son like this hurt far worse than losing him to the dark did. Tears began to slide down his cheek. He had thought for so long they she was dead. Killed on the bridge. He didn't know how to feel, whether it be relief or anger. He wanted to be angry at her for making him believe she had died, yet he couldn't. He loved her, he loved Han. He had been so blinded by the dark side that he had lost any sense of himself.  
“I thought you were dead.” He stated. Leia gently smiled.   
“I thought the same, but we were both wrong.” She said, her eyes showed the truth in her kindness. He threw his arms around her. His face was now wet with tears.   
“I wish what I did could be forgiven, but they're unforgivable acts. I'm so sorry.” He whispered to her. The pain grew again.   
“Leave the apologies for later. We need to fix you.” Leia told him. She motioned for Rey to help get him on a bed, so she walked over. They lifted him onto the bed and brought one of the medical team over. Kylo was surprised to see a man, not a droid, but a man. He hadn't been treated by a human personnel since before the First Order. The man asked Leia to leave, but Kylo requested Rey to stay, as she helped keep him calm. He asked Kylo to de-robe his torso to his skin, so he could examine the damage.   
“Rey. Help me pull the shards out of his skin, and be ready with the bandages to wrap.” He told her, so she began to pull them out. Kylo winced at each tug, but he knew it was for the better. Rey wrapped her side of his body, his arms and the right side of his chest. The medical personnel on the other. Kylo just lay there, trying to ignore the pain and the fact that his torso was there, exposed to both a stranger and Rey. Once the bandages had been placed, the man scanned him for broken bones and other injuries.   
“I'm surprised. You made it out with one broken rib and just lots of glass wounds. In your state I expected far worse.” He explained. Kylo smiled and grabbed Rey’s hand.   
“Will I be ok?” He asked. The man smiled.   
“You'll be back on your feet in no time.” He told him. Kylo's lips broke into a smile, the first true smile he'd cracked in as long as he could remember.


	13. Attempts

Kylo awoke from what felt like the longest sleep he'd had in some time. His entire being was in nagging pain, it wasn’t as bad as it had been, but it was still terrible. He tried to sit up, and with a little bit of pain, he succeeded. His head was pounding. He looked around to see if anyone was in the room with him. He noticed Rey in the back, she seemed to be waiting for him to wake up. She did seem to notice that he was awake, and began to walk over. His arms were still wrapped up thoroughly. His hands were still trembling, just as they had been before he had been hit.   
“Am I actually here?” He asked. He wasn’t to sold on the idea that he survived the crash, and this was just a dream, that he was still on the Finalizer, in the med bay, blacked out again. She took his hand, hoping it’d prove that she was indeed sitting beside him. His heart skipped a beat, which caused the monitor beside him to sound a small alarm.   
“You were out for a solid day after they fixed your rib.” She explained. He looked confused, he’d never slept that long, it seemed almost impossible. He had noticed the significantly smaller pain in his side.  
“It still hurts.” He told her. She smiled.  
“Well, it was a minor procedure, it would clearly hurt.” She told him. He looked down.  
“They probably know, right? About it all.” He told her. She nodded.  
“Someone had to know, you can’t keep doing it. It’ll destroy you.” Rey explained. He sighed. He did want to feel human again, but it seemed so forbidden, to feel anything other than pain. The thought of stopping his habits seemed terrifying to him. He’d have nothing to fall back to.   
“What’s happening now?” He asked. She shrugged.  
“You heal your wounds first. We need you in good condition to fight.” She said. Her hand was still on his. His hand was still shaky.  
“Hux has the power of the First Order in his hands now. The war has grown to something far more dangerous.” He explained. He knew the power that was now in the hands of someone who’s only out for blood.   
“We'll be ready when it happens. You need rest.” She told him. He sighed. He felt confined just being stuck on the bed. He felt his stomach protest the lack of food. He hoped Rey didn't notice. She did. He watched her leave the room and come back with some bowl. His heart rate picked up. He didn't want to eat. He had no desire to eat, and he didn't want to, but it seemed Rey had other plans.   
“Ben, you need to eat.” She said. He looked down. He hadn't eaten with someone else in the same room for as long as he could remember. He didn't know why he feared it as much as he did.   
“I can't, it hurt too much last time.” He said. He looked at the bowl. It didn't seem like too much, but he knew how bad it all felt, especially coming back up.   
“Would you rather have injections in your veins again?” She asked him. He remembered the pain of the needles in his veins, six of them up and down both his arms. The way they bled. It brought the pain of Snoke’s reign back to his mind. He didn't want more pain, so he took a deep breath and took the bowl and drank some of the liquid. It wasn't bad, salty and not too thick. It was pleasantly warm, which was something that was foreign to him. Starkiller Base was covered in ice, the Supremacy was stone cold. It was foreign, the feeling of warmth.   
“It's warm.” He said, surprised. He had to admit to himself that he was hungry, quite ravenous actually. He was not keen on the idea, but he knew it was a consequence of the starvation.   
“You seem to like it.” Rey observed. Kylo shrugged. He was just grateful someone cared enough. He finished the liquid in the bowl and put it back on the table. He felt warm, his body heat had risen from its’ usual icy cold temperature.  
“I guess I was hungry.” He observed. He noticed that he was hungrier than before. He didn’t know why he was, but he had a few ideas as to why.  
“You’ve deprived it for so long, it makes sense.” She told him. His body hurt less, but it was still in a decent amount of pain. He just wanted to heal, but the process was slow. He knew that there’d be no mercy if they found him, and he didn’t know how many more blows his body could take.   
“Do you know how long it’ll take until it’s all healed?” He asked. She shrugged.  
“Another week should get your rib healed, and your wounds are all scabbing, so your ailments should soon be better. Your self-inflicted harm, that’ll take quite some time.” She explained. He sighed. He wished he could just ignore those, but they become harder to ignore the longer it goes on.   
“How bad is it?” He asked. He knew it would be a lot, he knew how bad it had become. He was in denial for so long, but the way it seemed to hurt her, he knew it was becoming a problem.   
“Well, they don’t know quite yet. They have to wait until your injuries have healed.” She explained. The device on her wrist began to blink, which he assumed was a communication device. She tapped it, which opened the conversation.  
“Rey, we need you. We may have some trouble on our hands.” He heard Leia say. She tapped on the device again.  
“I’ll be right there.” She said. She turned to him.  
“I’ll be back later.” She told him, and quickly kissed his forehead and left. He was alone again with only his thoughts. They wandered straight back to where they were before. His stomach began to turn. He grew guilty of having eaten earlier, and just wanted it all out, but his side hurt too much to even fathom making himself ill. He just sat on the side of the bed and waited for something to happen. The room was lit far brighter than he’d ever seen the Supremacy and Starkiller Base been illuminated. The waiting seemed to drag on forever. He eventually heard two voices coming through the hall of the med bay. One was foreign, one was his mother. He didn't know what they wanted, but he knew they were there for him. He listened in on their conversation, but couldn't comprehend anything. He pretended to be asleep when they walked over.  
“Ben? Are you awake?” He heard Leia say. He slowly opened his eyes and turned his head to face her.   
“I am.” He quietly told her, and sat up.   
“This is Feng, he's one of the head medical directors. We have some info on your physical condition.” Leia told him. He knew what was wrong, he knew how to fix it, but he couldn't.  
“Tell me.” He said. He knew the truth. He knew what he had to do to fix himself, but he didn’t have the strength to do it. It hurt whenever he tried, whether it be mental or physical. He prepared himself for the barrage of ailments he had caused himself.   
“First off your heart isn’t beating how it should, it’s far too slow. It could be an easy fix, or a difficult one, it depends on the severity of the muscle. Some damage ensued on your teeth, which is an easy fix. Your blood levels of most every vital nutrient and chemical is extremely low, I’m surprised you’ve survived this long, and your body weight is critically low.” Feng told him. He sighed. He knew it all and how to fix himself, but he couldn’t find the courage to just pull himself together and do it. He looked over to Leia, his heart sunk at her expression. He pulled his knees close to his chest, hoping it’d give him a sense of security, it didn’t, it left him more vulnerable than before.  
“I’m sorry.” He told her. His eyes began to well with tears once more. She put her hand on the shoulder that was closest to her, the boney, almost white shoulder that was of her son. It broke her heart to see him in such a state, but what’s done is done, and the only way now is back up.  
“Apologies come after you’re better.” She told him. He looked down, his eyes full of more tears. He decided that sleeping on the events of today would be better than dwelling on them. So much had happened, and he was exhausted. He had never felt safe sleeping for long periods after the incident, until now, that is. Leia and Feng left, more tests would be run the next day to make sure every ailment was found. He closed his eyes again, the lights had now begun dimming in the ward, as the sky was now beginning to darken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's subpar  
> sorry abt that  
> been a busy week


	14. Hopeless

A few days passed and Kylo regained the ability to walk, his wounds had finally healed enough to walk and move around. He wasn't confined to the bed in the med bay anymore. He was still extremely cautious about roaming about the base, as he was still hated by most of the Resistance. He was still in the bay, getting some last minute treatments. He was still in bandages until his wounds completely healed, sitting on the table, there were a few more needles that needed to be injected. Rey was on the side of the table, giving him support. They finished and he hopped off the table. His robes were being washed and mended, so he had an extra beige tunic, much like what he had worn during his days in training. He put the tunic around his torso when he got up. As of now, he didn’t know what he was meant to do, where he belonged. He had killed Snoke, and now, he’s in the arms of the girl he loves, but it all felt empty, as if he had no purpose. He felt he had a hole, one that’ll never fill, no matter what he does. He knew this was always a reason for his actions, but not anything significant. He knew he had a purpose, but he didn’t know what it was. He was born royalty, just as his mother, but he had been born force-sensitive, which made everyone around him fear the Skywalker bloodline in him, so they sent him to Luke, the other Skywalker in the galaxy, but just as everyone else, Luke had betrayed his trust. He was pulled to the dark side, and Snoke took hold of him. He had never had control of his own life, it was all just pain after pain. There was no outside pain, except the looming knowledge of all that he had killed Han Solo. It was a despicable act that he never truly saw a need to do, it was only to please Snoke; he would’ve never done it if he would’ve known he’d kill him anyway just a little later. He had no purpose now it seemed. He had never explored who he truly was, as he spent his life as a puppet for those around him, just because of his lineage. He looked to Rey, his hand still in hers. He wanted to rid of the hole that never seemed to go away, not matter how many times he’d make himself ill, wound himself or even starve himself. He wanted to find a new life, one with his own purpose and not that of one that was before it. The two walked to the mess hall, and, well, he was terrified, he managed to consume most of what he needed to consume. He was uncomfortable, but it was temporary, and he knew that. It always happened to him.  
“What happens now?” He asked Rey, hoping for answers that he knew he probably wouldn’t find.   
“We wait, we rebuild our army, the First Order will soon be here, and for that, we need you in fighting condition.” She told him. It all seemed different here than with the First Order. It seemed to be war, non-stop, yet here they found time to rest up, get breaks and fix ailments, not just quickly fix the outside and move on.  
“He’ll come too fast, before anybody is ready for anything. Just like on Crait.” He told her. His heart was aching, he didn’t want to watch the Resistance go down in flames, yet also he couldn’t watch the First Order go down either. He just wished there was no light or dark, but that’s how it’s been since the age of the Republic and the Jedi.   
“We have enough to stall him out, if needed we fly ourselves out again, on the Falcon.” She explained. His face went white at Falcon. The ship where he spent his days on before he was sent off to Luke. It had many, many memories attached to it.  
“You don’t know what he’ll do, Hux is reckless, bloodthirsty.” He told her. Rey helped him up from where they sat in the hall. She led him to the main room, hoping he could give some insight on the situation. She knew he would be of help, especially to plans of droids, cannons and other First Order technologies. They walked into the room, and everything stopped. Everyone’s eyes fell onto him, both in hatred, concern, and fear. Rey walked through, straight to Leia, who was with other leaders. Kylo noticed Poe eyeing him as he walked, his hand on his blaster.  
“How long will we stay here? If fighters already came through, then the First Order knows of the base.” Rey told Leia.   
“Until we can’t.” She said. Leia sighed. Rey knew that it seemed hopeless for them, with the addition of a broken Ben Solo, who seemed in no condition to fight and the loss of most of their fleet during the escape to Crait. Kylo looked down, he knew he had to speak up about Hux, at least warn them.   
“He shows no mercy, no sympathy, if he crosses our path, we’re dead.” He said. His voice began to shake. It was clear he was scared. His hands shrunk into fists, his nails dug into his palms. It caused pain, but nothing that phased him.   
“What about Snoke? Isn't he much more of a menace.” Leia asked. Rey and Kylo eyed each other. They both knew what had happened in the throne room, but it seemed no one else did.   
“This may come of a shock to you, but Ben killed Snoke a little before the Supremacy was destroyed.” Rey explained. Leia’s face grew confused. There was a clear sign of relief in her expression.   
“There are no words to thank you. Out of anyone, I never thought you would be the one to destroy him.” Leia said. Her expression changed again as she realized there was still a military mastermind in charge of the First Order. They were still under attack, but why they haven't already made their way to the base to obliterate was still unknown.   
“He was just looking to destroy someone. He succeeded. He destroyed me.” He said. He avoided eye contact, as his eyes shed tears again. He was angry, not at anyone other than himself. He hated that he had so little control over his emotions. Rey quickly put her hands around him to help calm him down again.  
“We can’t let our guard down about Hux, we’ll need to relocate eventually.” Rey told Leia. She was just as reluctant as the rest of the Resistance, but it seemed to be the only thing that guaranteed their safety.  
“And we will. I have faith in our allies.” Leia said. Poe looked up from his post.  
“Remember last time we sent out a distress call? On Crait? No one responded, what makes you think that they will now?” Poe reminded Leia. She sighed. Her hope had depleted, but she knew there was still some sort of spark out there.  
“We just need to hope that they do. There’s not much else we can do.” She told him. Poe nodded, as he knew that. He wanted the hope to be back just as much as everyone else.  
“I understand, General. We’re all hoping they do.” He said. His face dropped, and it was clear most everyone had no more spark in them.  
“Knowing Hux, we have a few more days. He doesn’t like to launch land attacks after losing so many fighters.” Kylo told Leia.   
“We’ll be ready.” Leia said. Her voice was just as hopeless as the rest. He knew there was no hope in either side, as going back now would destroy him. He'd be shot dead before he made it on. He knew Hux had figured out by now that he had killed Snoke. He was dead to the First Order, an enemy now.   
“I hope this isn't how the Resistance dies, after taking in the broken son of Han Solo, who could barely live with himself.” He said. He stormed out. His heart couldn't take what had happened. The hopelessness in the base. He found his way to the outside of the base. Rey ran after him, terrified of what he would do. She found him near the rocks where she usually resided.   
“Ben…” She said. He looked over for a second and continued pacing.  
“I left the First Order to get away from the hopelessness, yet here I am, sucked right back into it.” He said, anger in his voice. Rey knew that when he was in such a state that getting close was something she shouldn’t do.  
“You would’ve died there.” She told him. Her voice quivered from fear.   
“Well, I’m not going to survive if I stay here either,” He told her, his voice began to rise in volume. She had never seen him with such anger in his soul. It did scare her. “It’s as if I’m meant to die, either by my own hands or someone else’s.” He said quietly, hoping she wouldn’t hear.  
“You were miserable. I saw how it was in there.” She told him, hoping to calm him down, but he didn’t listen.  
“I was looking for hope...but it seems there’s none left in the galaxy.” He told her. Tears rolled down his cheek and Rey walked closer, cautiously. She took him into her arms and held him tightly, hoping to comfort him. He had no words left, and just let himself sob into her shoulder.


	15. Sleep

A few days had passed. Kylo was learning how to get around again, his wounds now almost fully healed. He had actually eaten a somewhat substantial amount everyday for the past few days, which was a pleasant surprise to Rey. He still had a many ways to go, but it was a start. He did notice his limbs didn’t feel as heavy as usual and his mind was clearer. He knew where Rey usually enjoyed to spend her time, whether it was meditating or just a quiet place to clear her mind, so he’d wander there as well, hoping she’d maybe find him and they could be alone with just each other. It seemed there was still no sign of attack, but it seemed probable that the attack was going to be of a larger scale than they anticipated. He feared it, every waking moment, as he was barely able to fight at this point. His robes had been mended. He didn’t know why they were one thing that he felt a need to hold onto dearly, but they were.  
The morning was early, so early that the sky was darkened and the entire Resistance was asleep, except for those with the night shifts. Rey was stirring in her sleep, unable to stay asleep. She could feel something was amiss, with whom, she couldn't tell. The only way she could know is if the bed beside her was empty. That would mean they Kylo had awoken. She opened her eyes, the moonlight brightly illuminated the middle of the room, and the empty bed where he should've been. She sighed. He was either doing something he shouldn't or something he should. She didn't want to risk any sort of harm he could do to himself, so she got up quietly and went to go find where he was. Her first instinct was the fresher, but no light was on in either one, and no sound was heard, which meant he wasn't there. She was pleasantly surprised after realizing he wasn’t in there, as that meant he wasn’t causing himself harm. She did grow worried as she searched the interior of the base; he was nowhere. He could’ve run, that was quite a probable theory, but for some reason seemed uncharacteristic for him. She went out towards the back, hoping not to wake anyone. She searched the sandy shore, but no signs. Her heart raced, the only spot he could be was by the rocks. She sprinted towards the front of the base and stopped. There he was, just standing. Her lips formed a smile when she saw him. She was relieved when she realized he was there. She walked closer to him, hoping to not disrupt whatever he was doing.  
“Ben?” She said softly. He turned to face her, his face seemed to glisten, which she knew meant he had been crying.  
“I couldn’t sleep.” He told her. He knew why, he had this irrational fear in his mind about sleep. It could be traced back to the incident with Luke. Seeing the man he trusted standing over him, lightsaber ignited, ready to attack, well it terrified him, and then once Snoke began to grow violent with him. He feared both the same, which caused him to begin sleeping in small increments, and slowly began to sleep less and less. It was now a habit, to sleep for three hours, then wake up, then sleep another three.  
“It’s a common thing here, if you haven’t noticed.” She told him. She walked closer to him and put her arms around his waist, which was extremely small. He felt comforted by the touch, he always did, she was the only person he could ever trust at this moment.  
“Is the sky always this clear?” He asked. She nodded. The planet was notorious for its’ lack of clouding and weather, but that didn’t make it a desirable planet to settle a base.   
“It rarely changes.” She told him. He put his hands on hers, which were still on his waist.   
“This still feels insane.” He told her. Her face grew concerned. Was he still wavering?   
“What do you mean?” She asked. He pulled himself from her touch.   
“This whole ordeal, I've endangered all of you. The entire Resistance. The man next in charge of the First Order is a hound. A bloodthirsty hound and I've let him into power.” He told her. His voice wavered, as if he was terrified. She brought her arm back around his shoulder to comfort him.  
“We'll be ready when they come. They've been preparing since we got to this place.” She reassures him. He shakes his head. He places his hands on her cheeks. She noticed that they were shaking. She placed her own hands onto his in an attempt to relax him.  
“Don’t you understand? If he attacks us, no one will make it out alive. We can’t stay here. We’ll be destroyed, forgotten, and the terror will remain.” He told her. She wiped the tears that slid down his cheek.  
“We’ll be ok. I promise.” She told him, but he wasn’t having it. He pulled away, his hands dropped to his sides.  
“Don’t give me that. I know you’re worried, I see the fear in your eyes, I feel it. You’re just as scared as the rest, everyone is. We can get away from them if we leave.” He snapped at her. She looked into his eyes, both of them had the same hopeless expression.   
“If we run, then all we will be is cowards, just like those before us, who left to the outer rim.” She said. Her hands were clenched in a fist. She couldn’t tell if she wanted to punch him or kiss him. Her head was so full of emotions that nothing made sense.  
“I didn’t abandon the First Order to die. I wanted to live, not just breathe. I wanted to live. I wanted to be in your arms, alive. If we stay then there will be no survivors, just legends of the few people who thought they had a chance against the Order.” He told her. He walked towards her again, his entire body was now shaking.  
“Are you cold? You’re trembling.” She observed. He slowly nodded. He was cold, his entire body felt frozen to the bone, but he expected that, as it came with the aspect of starving oneself.   
“Freezing.” He stated, so she took him back inside and into their chamber. He walked towards his bed, but she motioned him over to her own.  
“The body creates the best heat.” She explained, so he pulled the blanket that she was handing him around his body and pulled it tight. He was still trembling ever so slightly.  
“Why do you care so much?” He asked her. He had never been treated with such kindness. It was mostly quite the opposite. The feeling of belonging was an alien feeling to him.  
“Because I have feelings for you, some that I’ve never felt before.” She explained. He knew what she felt, he felt the same way. The connection was mutual between them. He felt the same. She placed a hand on his again. He looked down, letting his thin hair fall onto his face, hiding his beet-red complexion from blushing.  
“I...I feel the same.” He quickly spurt out. They sat in silence for a while, just listening to the sounds of the base, some talking and those with night shifts working. The base was close to silent at night, which was something that he wasn’t used to.  
“Do you feel better now?,” She asked. He nodded and began to get out of her blanket, but she placed her hand on his shoulder. “You can stay here tonight. It’s ok.” She told him. He sat back down.  
“Are you sure?” He asked. She nodded.  
“Of course.” She told him, so he laid down beside her and quickly closed his eyes. He felt safe when he was near her, as if no one could hurt him. The sunlight began to shine through the small window up near the ceiling. He blinked twice and opened his eyes. Rey was wrapped around him. He was confused for a second as to why they were in the same bed, but the memories came back. He woke her, as it seemed to be time. She stirred and then awoke. Her eyes met with his, first there was also a sense of confusion, but it grew to contentment. She kissed his forehead.  
“Good morning.” She said. His lips cracked into the slightest smile. It was far more painful than what he remembered, as the skin around his lips was still cracked and broken. They sat there for a while, gazing into each other’s eyes before crashing their lips together.


	16. Some Time

Another few days passed. Each day Kylo had begun to eat more, he didn't know exactly why. His body was hungry, he felt that. It was something he wasn't used to yet, but most everyone reassured him that this happened. He hated it, the feeling of unending hunger it seemed, alas, he soon came to learn that it wouldn't go away on its’ own. He had to eat. The Resistance had now begun to plan its’ escape from the planet, realizing that they weren't safe. They had started to load equipment onto the Falcon, as well as some other ships that they had received from an ally who had responded to the distress calls. It was a slow process, but the guards protected their posts with extreme caution, ready to jump at every movement. Rey had started to help Kylo train his body again, to help him recover the muscle he had lost from the starvation. They would spend a time in the morning just helping his physicality return, just like it had been. Kylo hated this, as it requires him to eat even more than he had been, but Rey jelly reminding him of why he was doing it all. It was another of the sessions, just of balance and dexterity.   
“Are we done?” Kylo was breathing heavily while he was on the stone cold ground of the training room in the base.   
“You've made great progress. We can call it for the day.” Rey told him and held a hand out. He grabbed it and she pulled him up. She had noticed his body had begun to feel less skeletal. His ribs felt less like ridges and his spine had begun to bruise far less. He was making progress, which was relieving to the entire medical crew, Leia and Rey, but quite the opposite to him. He found it terrifying. He had found comfort in being as small as he was, he didn't know why, and he knew it was an idiotic comfort, as it could quite likely destroy him, more than it already had.   
“How long must we keep doing this?” He asked. He hated the sessions, they exhausted him, but he knew that was his own doing, and he had to fix it himself.   
“Until you're back to full strength.” Rey told him. He sighed, and Rey helped him out of the room, as his body was exhausted, but that was easily fixed after he ate, which he despised. They walked back towards the room they resided in. He walked into the fresher with a change of clothes and washed himself off. He pulled his usual dark robes over his body. They still fit him, but they didn’t fall off of him quite as much, which distressed him. He walked out of the fresher, still exhausted. Rey took him to the mess hall, knowing he'd need food. She handed him something, he didn't know what it was, but it didn't matter to him. Food wasn't something he cared for, and favorites barely crossed his mind. He reluctantly ate the food, it felt ok for the first couple bites, but as his shrunken stomach had lost capacity, it quickly grew uncomfortable. He left the table swiftly, leaving Rey in the dust. He walked out to the sand, behind the base. The loading docks, which were from the age of the rebellion, were already half loaded and prepared to evacuate. He knew there was a danger of being outside, especially as the days went by. He knew Hux was planning something, but seemed to be hesitant. Kylo wasn't scared. He had anticipated death so many times that it didn't phase him anymore. He stood by the water. The water was blue, far clearer than anywhere else in the galaxy. The calm wind blew against him. He hadn't been out in the open air for such a long time. Rey was still frantically searching for him, terrified that he may have done something drastic. She stopped in her tracks when she saw him by the water. She noticed how his hair was softly moving with the wind, it was sparse, but still beautiful to her. She stood back and just observed him for awhile, just until her heart slowed back down. She made her way closer to him, slowly, making sure not to spook him.   
“Is this where you ran off to?” Rey asked him. He turned around to face her.   
“Were you worried?” He asked. She walked to his side.  
“Of course I was, you ran off with no warning.” She told him and wrapped her arm around his waist. It was still unusually small to her.  
“It's a nice view. I haven't seen such a view since...well that night.” He told her. His eyes never left the water, he was avoiding her gaze, as his eyes were vulnerable. They were full of memories he would much more like to forget. Tears slid down his cheeks for the first time in quite some time. Rey had noticed the few droplets that had fallen to the ground.   
“Are you alright?” She asked. Her hand kept a tight hold on his back. He nodded quickly but uncertainly, which was a warning sign to Rey. She knew he was lying, it always seemed he hid his emotions until he snapped.   
“Perfectly alright.” He told her. She moved her hand to his shoulder and he placed his hand on hers.   
“What's troubling you?” She asked, hoping he'd explain. He kept his gaze towards the water. The sun was already beginning to set, which was unusual for the planet.   
“I hate this feeling.” He explained to her. She was confused as to what he was meaning, as it could be many feelings.   
“What feeling?” She asked him. He finally turned to face her, as the air began to grow cold on his skin.   
“My body feels foreign to me, as if I don’t know who I am anymore.” He told her. Rey pulled him closer, hoping he’d explain. The words concerned her deeply.  
“How so?” She asked. He pulled back, which broke their hold on each other.  
“They keep telling me I have to put on weight, and I have, so why does it feel so terrible?” He explained. His distress was obvious. Rey knew it was, her heart sank when he told her. She had no words for him, as she didn’t know how it felt to be in such a situation, so she wrapped her arms around him and just comforted him.  
“You’re still Ben to me.” She told him, hoping it’d help his distress. He was thankful for her affection, as it did calm him down.   
“Are you cold?” He asked, as his own body was shivering, but he knew his body heat was still lower than it used to be.  
“Only slightly.” She told him. He pulled her hands off of his torso.  
“Let’s go back in, it’s getting cold.” He suggested. Rey followed him back into the base, the sun had now almost fully set, leaving a glimmer on the surface of the water. He watched something fly through the sky, a fighter of sorts, but it was too far to see what sort, if it was an X-Wing, a Tie-Fighter or some other ship from a different system. He blinked for a second, and watched the door of the base close. He walked towards the chamber where Rey and him resided in, but he was stopped prior to entering by Leia, which came of a surprise to him. It seemed that she had been searching for quite some time.  
“Ben. We need you for a second.” She told him. He knew it could be two things, something with the First Order, or something medical.  
“What for?” He asked, and Leia led him to the landing docks. He observed the machinery and the few ships they had. Everything seemed ready to go, as if they were waiting for the right moment to evacuate.  
“I thought it’d make you feel at ease if I showed you the plan.” She told him. His heart did begin to beat slower than it had been, still at that weird rhythm, but slower. His lips cracked into a small smile.  
“We’re not destined to die.” He whispered.


	17. Move On

The first signs of attack had been spotted just a few days after the Resistance had begun the preparation for evacuation. The few tie-fighters that flew by were far too fast gone for anyone to shoot them down, but Kylo noticed them. They were a clear sign that the attack he feared was far closer than imagined. The entire Resistance was prepared to leave the moment that the attack hit. Kylo was still not to full strength, he'd made great progress but he was still far from he needed to be. The aspect of eating had become easier for him, and his health had greatly improved. The sky was still blue, no clouds had been seen yet that day. Kylo was in the training room again. He was just brushing up on his fighting skills so if he found himself in a situation where he needed to defend himself, he'd be able to find his way out of it.   
“Ben, you've been in here for quite some time, are you sure you don't need a break.” Rey asked him. He retracted his lightsaber and looked to her.   
“I feel fine.” He told her. She walked closer to him.   
“You've been here for quite some time.” She told him. He looked down.  
“If we are under attack, well I'll need to fight, won't I? We're the only force users left here.” He told her. She sighed and took his hand.   
“You also need rest, you can come back later, but you need to eat as well.” She told him. He put his lightsaber back on its hilt. He had no interest in food at the moment, there was no point, he had no awareness of the time, and it was hard to believe he had already spent hours in the room.   
“I feel no need right now.” He said, hoping he wouldn't have to eat yet. He still had the fear of inevitable attack in the back of his mind. He had realized how his mentality had changed and how much calmer his thoughts were now. He had noticed the change only recently. They weren't as terrifying as they used to be. He realized that as he had started worrying about the attacks more and more, his mind had drifted from his habits a little. They seemed only in the back of his mind and less consuming.  
He sighed and walked with Rey to the mess hall. He was still covered in sweat, which was uncomfortable to him, it made his clothes stick to his skin. He had not yet grown comfortable with putting on weight. It still felt alien, as his body seemed so different when he did, it felt wrong, as if he should not let himself do such a thing. The sweat made him more aware of his body. He knew he had to put on weight, so he spent most of his thoughts fighting himself. The mess hall was empty, as it seemed most had already finished their morning meals. It was a relief to him when he saw the emptiness of the hall, as he had no need to eat in front of anyone other than Rey, whom he trusted. She brought him a tray of food as she sat down beside him.  
“Here, for your strength.” She said as she placed the tray in front of him. He sighed.   
“You know you don't need to justify food anymore. I'm ok with it, mostly.” He told her. He sat there for a couple moments before taking on the task of consuming what was in front of him. It wasn't terrible, but he was also hungry, which helped quite a bit. The silence loomed over the two of them until he had finished what he liked from the tray.   
“What's happening now? Are they evacuating?” He asked. The looming fear came back, yet stronger. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to happen, but it seemed so weirdly calm, if there was to be an attack, it would've happened by now.   
“We’ve been evacuating since the first sign of attack.” She explained, but he wasn't convinced.   
“Then why haven't we left. It's been hours, yet we’re still here. The only ones. Did they give up on us? Did they just leave us because I'm who I am, and you're the one who trusted me?” He exclaimed, his voice both shook with anger and fear. Rey quickly took his hand.   
“No one would do such a thing.” She told him, hoping it’d comfort him. He looked down, the food half finished, but his appetite had left again.  
“Where is everyone?” He asked suddenly, as he had just noticed how empty the halls had seemed, only a few officers were still in the halls, either searching or waiting, which he did question, but there was probably a good reason. It was unnerving to him that there was a possibility that everything be destroyed in mere seconds, and the evacuation fails, but the possibility was small, as the massive weapons from the First Order were still not ready for battle, nor will they be for quite some time.   
“Most are prepping the ships they have, the very few ships they have. Three smaller pods and one main armed ship.” She explained. The reinforcements had come, but only a few, as most ignored their signal from Crait, all but those who resided on Naboo, which had seemed to thrive after the fall of the Empire. It was one of the only planets from the reign of the Jedi and the Clone Wars that still had remnants of the Republic, old architecture and elders who held stories of the war.  
“Where will we be?” He asked as he got up.  
“The Falcon obviously.” She said, it seemed she was decently offended he had forgotten about the ship he had spent most of his early days with. His face contorted; he didn’t know why he had such a hatred for the ship. He assumed it was from the memories, how it all brought him back to that time with Luke, how he had almost died from something he couldn’t even control, how he had started to destroy himself. It seemed the Falcon brought back the sour taste of it all.  
“I don’t know if I can.” He said. Rey took his hand and led him from the mess hall.  
“And why not?” She asked. He looked down, he felt terribly silly for being afraid of his father’s own ship, the prized Falcon. It was a terribly petty reason for not wanting on it.  
“Never mind, it’s just the Falcon… I just had some memories I couldn’t seem to shake.” He explained as they walked. The halls seemed far emptier than earlier, and it unnerved him a slight bit, as it reminded him of the halls in the Finalizer and even on Starkiller base, which brought back the many nights he spent in his fresher, puking, sometimes he’d eat before he puked, and it would never be a normal amount, but masses, and it just felt as if he had this control when it all came back up. The feeling of relief was something he began to miss, the odd calm that washed over when the deed is done. He tried to shake the need to do it again, as it had been quite some time since he had last done anything he used to. His saber was on his belt, and he had what he had come with on, the black tunic, and even still the cape, which was used to reflect the shocks he used to receive from Snoke. It all seemed too close to what it used to be, but he knew to break the cycle, he’d have to be able to deal with moments such as these.  
“Did you spend time on the Falcon with Solo?” Rey asked, curious. He sighed, he wasn’t too keen on talking of that part of his past, but since it seemed to have been brought up, he knew it had to at least be touched on.  
“Yes, I spent some time on that ship, they were good memories, at least most of them, until the day he had left me with Luke, unknowing of what would become of me.” He explained, his voice stone cold, hoping it’d communicate that this something he did not want to discuss.  
“And from then on you hated the ship?” She asked. He nodded. It was true, he couldn’t stand the sight after that night. The memories would just leave him with bitter feelings and an overwhelming sadness that he couldn’t shake.  
“I can get over it.” He told her, hoping that by saying it, he’ll actually face himself and get over his past.


	18. Re-Live

It had all fallen into place in front of his eyes. He was so close to stepping foot into the Falcon. It dawned on him, as the memories began to drown his conscious mind. The grip he had on Rey’s hand tightened quite a bit as they got into the ship. He wasn't sure where they were going, but if it pulled him away from the First Order, he was willing to go. He watched as Leia boarded behind them, her eyes on the two, making sure everyone had made it on safely. Poe had gone and piloted one of the other ships, he had personally requested the one with Finn on board, at least Kylo thought that's what he had heard. This one was piloted by Rey, as she knew the most about how it worked, other than him, but he had forgotten so much since he had last flown that it seemed pointless he even try. He wasn't allowed in the cockpit with Rey as Chewy had reserved the seat as his own, and no one touched it, they didn't dare. He sat on the seat by the little checkered table where he used to play games. It looked withered, decayed, as if it hadn't been used in years, which he assumed it hadn't. There seemed to be 15 other people on the ship from his observations, which he didn't trust too much. He felt a touch on his back, which spooked him, but he assumed it was just Rey. He looked behind him to see who it was and was surprised to see Leia. Her smile was warm, which he found odd, especially after all the things he had done to her fleet. He knew she couldn't forgive him for any of that, but there seemed to be less of a hatred.   
“Mind if I sit?” She asked. He quickly scooted to make room for her. The whole talking concept was something he had to get used to, especially with Leia, as she knew nothing of what had happened under Snoke’s reign. She only saw the result; her boy coming back to her, almost dead and strikingly thin.   
“I'm sorry...for everything.” He quickly said. He was terrible at apologies, absolutely terrible. He hadn't said too many in his life.   
“Save the apologies.” She told him. He wasn't sure if it was malicious or not, so he didn't react to the statement.   
“Where will we go now?” He asked, hoping to change the topic of discussion.   
“There are some senators on Naboo willing to base use while we build ourselves back up from the evacuation of D’Qar.” She told him, uninterested in her son’s questioning. She had come with the intention to figure out why had come from the First Order covered in scars and deathly thin. Her escape plan was not something she wanted to discuss, as her trust wasn't fully there yet, she didn't know if she could trust him quite yet, at least not with Resistance plans.   
“Our plan is not any interest at all, just trust we'll be safe, I want to know more of what happened to you, you've been gone for so long and come back in such a state.” She told him. He knew it was coming. It was inevitable with her, always needing to know the truth about him, whether it was just something simple as a broken door when he was a kid to something as complicated as this.   
“You saw it all. It's not a mystery.” He said, dancing around the truth. Leia grew frustrated, but there was a relief that washed over her as well; the years he had spent under Snoke’s reign hadn't changed who he was all that much.   
“You're telling me that you hadn't touched food for years, yet somehow survived. Yeah…I'm not buying it. Explain it all.” She demanded. He sighed. His heart rate increases from nervous energy.   
“What do you want to know?” He asked, not knowing where to start.   
“When did it all start? This whole thing.” She asked. Kylo sighed, his head went back to the first night he was on the bathroom floor, tears of desperation running down his cheeks. The discomfort the food caused in his stomach. He had no idea that he could even consume as much as he did. The footsteps outside were from passing officers and stormtroopers. He remembered how he feared that one would hear the noises. He remembered the initial high after it had been done. He remembered the burning urge to do it over again and how naive he was when he thought it would all end up fine.   
“Years ago, after getting into another argument with myself,” He explained. He wasn't sure how to word what he wanted to say. It was hard to grasp it all. “I felt so out of control with what had happened. I was sent to train and all of a sudden every odd was against me. It's like I had to live up to this Skywalker standard of hero, but all I was doing was failing. I had fallen to the dark, yet I had no desire to. It was all Snoke’s doing,” He explained in the best way he could. It wasn't the only thing that broke him, he also had many other reasons. There was Snoke’s abuse toward him, or his verbal insults towards him. It was a part of his conflict with himself, how he tried so hard to cut out the light completely, yet all it did was come back stronger than it left.   
“The first night I had done all this was far different than most would expect. You see someone so thin, well, you'd assume they wouldn't eat, yet this seems to be quite the opposite. It all happened so fast, so sporadically. I had just had a meeting with Snoke, which hadn’t gone very well at all, they never do. He just spewed abuse, and obviously enough to drive me to destroy him; which was for the better,” He explained and then shook his head slightly. His face had grown red, as he had never opened up to anyone about how it all happened, not even Rey knew the whole story, and the fact this was one of the first real conversations he’d had with his mother in years made it worse, especially with the notion that he had killed Han Solo. “I guess there was this overwhelming urge of hatred towards myself, the words Snoke was planting into my head. You hear things over and over about yourself, you begin to believe them. It happened as quickly as it was over, after hours I roamed and this particular day I had stopped in the mess hall, I was hungry, I guess. Somewhat at least. It was more of a: ‘relieve the emotional pain with something other than slicing your own skin open’ which is what I would’ve done instead had this not happened,” He told her. His voice began to quiver as he opened up, it seemed wrong to do so. He had never even told a peep of the first year, as it was shameful to him. “The mess hall always had droids with food, it seemed at least, so I went in and just grabbed what I could get my hands on, mainly wrapped junk...yeah you’d be surprised how much of that exists in the First Order. I took it back to my chambers, hidden under the cowl, as I knew that if anyone saw it, I’d be humiliated, ashamed, even more than I was. Once I made it back to my chambers and hastily locked myself into the bathroom, I ate it all, and it felt fine, great, honestly, but the feeling died down and I was left with this hole that wasn’t filled, pain that I couldn’t describe to you and guilt that swallowed me,” He explained. His head stayed down far longer now than it used to. It seemed it was to avoid Leia from seeing how deep this ran, how red his cheeks had grown from embarrassment. He had to take a deep breath before continuing. “I had heard of the notion that shoving your hands down your throat can make you ill, and that seemed to be the only way out of this mess, so I did it. It only made me cough up spit at first, and I got mad, like I always do, but I didn’t want to give up, as this was my only way to relieve the pain. I tried again and again until I got it, and it all came up. It hurt, yeah, it really hurt, but the feeling of relief was far better than the slight scratch that it had left in my throat. It was the high I got from doing all this that just kept me coming back… kriff, that was a lot. I hope it made some sort of sense.” He told her. Leia cautiously held his hand, which was ungloved, and it remained that way from request of Rey. She rubbed her thumb along the rigid and calloused hand. It calmed him down as the silence began to dawn. He hoped desperately that she would say something, but it seemed barely anything was being said. She made sure to lock her eyes with his.  
“I’m sorry that you felt you had to do all that...for so many years.” She said, not sure how to respond to her son, who had all these years been pleading for help and no one ever saw it, because it became masked with anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bros  
> I need feedback  
> are you liking it or is there something not happening that you'd like to see?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping maybe something like this will bring my own thoughts out of my head a little  
> It's been a rough year, and writing usually helps clear my head  
> (just if you're curious of inspo)  
> I hope you enjoyed it


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